Ancient Retro Review of 2013′s Year End Songs - The Top 50
Going off this old chart from the old days of about two years ago from now, how about a quick rundown of the songs forgotten to the ages. And in only two parts this time. I’m not much of a music critic but I know what I like and I like what I... like.
- Thrift Shop by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis and also someone called Wanz
The rap hit of the year that inspired a nation to shop cheaply and that a white dude from around Seattle could lay down some rhymes. It’s a fun song and it ends up being a good message about how style isn’t always just bought from the latest. I’ve been kinda following this for a while, except not buying the clothes from a thrift store, just really on sale on whatever stores really. Like $10 or less for shirts.
- Blurred Lines by Robin “Hood” Thicke with TI-83 and Pharrell
The song that set Tumblr off like a firework because it sounded very... non-consensual. Honestly I don’t think it’s a great song, with or without the... connotations, but they don’t exactly help. It’s all like, hey, I know you’re a baaaaaaaaaaaaaad girl, huhuhuh. And this would usually result in a drink in face. Also in the video they had to have a “uncensored 2 hot 4 you” version where all the girls in there were topless and you could see the full message made of balloons where Robin Dick Has A Tiny Prick or something that rhymes like that.
- Radioactive by Imagine Dragons
Inspiring a Weird Al parody that didn’t get a music video, this song’s sure something, it has a heavy bass or something line and it feels sluggish but powerful. Part of the range that Imagine Dragons can show off.
- Harlem Shake by someone called Baauer, not to be confused with Jack Bauer
This is really as high as it is because of Vines, or its predecessor, really short YouTube videos. It’s uninspired dubstep pretty much.
- Can’t Hold Us by Macklemore, Ryan Lewis, and Ray Dalton
MackleMORE? No Mackleless than before, it’s the return of the Mac, do what it is what it doesn’t like a shark on shark week or something really fast. More of an anthem than going thrift shopping though, not a bad track here. The piano really works here and it really does sound uplifting, compare with any of the other drudge-y EDM stuff that can come out.
- Mirrors by Justin Timberlake
I like the beatboxing part in the back under all the synth, but I’ve never been one for these sorts of... what do you call them, ballads, does this count as a ballad? It’s not too bad though.
- Just Give Me A Reason by Pink and Nate Ruess
This is a song. It’s okay I think. It has Pink and that dude from Fun (period) if I’m not mistaken. Still not a slow song guy but this one’s all right.
- When I Was Your Man by Bruno Mars
I think this was the year when Bruno Mars started just doing a lot of different sounding stuff to show off some range, or at least a lot of inspiration from stuff. This isn’t quite my favorite of his stuff though.
- Cruise by Florida Georgia Line and Nelly because why not I guess
This is just straight up country rap stuff. It’s not great as country and it’s not great as pop and it barely qualifies as rap even. This is when country executives try their hardest to keep their target audience who may have had their kids grow up on crazy gangsta rap and the like because “country was boring” or something so you have like country farmer people acting all gangsta growing up and I’m like okay are you going to put spinners on your tractor next because that’s just impractical, it’ll jam up with the dirt and probably also clog other important systems in there, just don’t add bling to your harvesters or you’re going to have the FDA crack down on your crops for a choking hazard. It’s not that I don’t like country and I have grown up in a rural area so I’ve seen some things and there’s a lot of decency around there too, but if I like a country song, it’s because it’s country and not like just singing weirdly over a rap beat.
- Roar by Kate Perry
It’s the eye of the tiger and the thrill of the fight, except this song’s not very thrilling at all. It’s that song that happens every so often that’s all like, hey, you may be down now but you’re not out and you can kick a lot of butt. You know, like Firework, also by Kate Perry. But not as inspiring.
- Locked Out Of Heaven by Bruno Mars Bar
Another Bruno Mars song but I like this one more, it sounds like the Police kinda. Still not crazy good but pretty good.
- Ho Hey by the Lumineers
It’s a cool acoustic jam with a lot of yelling HO and HEY throughout. It’s about the right length though a tiny bit short and all the parts fit without any weird solos or what, all about belonging in a sweet home, not Sweet Home, the weird NES horror game where the sprites had a weird perspective on them.
- Stay by Rihanna and Mikky Ekko
I wonder if this was written in a bathtub because she’s in one in the video and then I don’t know. I swear I’ve heard this song in like a movie or something like it was a soundtrack about how two people together, I don’t know.
- Get Lucky by Daft Punk and Pharrell Williams
Up all night to get lucky, I like this song because it’s funky, how this didn’t chart higher is kinda sucky, but, uh... Nobody in the video is ugly...? Really, you have two songs with Pharrell being Pharrell and this is the lower one on the ranking? Daft Punk is pretty tight and he adds a lot to the jams.
- Royals by Lorde
It’s a song that defies other songs and is about just being raw instead of being all fancy and stuff. Not bad at all. Don’t know what else to say about it but yeah.
- I Knew You Were Trouble by Taylor Swift
I knew you were trouble when you walked in, now I’m going to add you to my brew. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH Trouble trouble boil and bubble. Overall not great but I always think of the witch potion thing.
- We Can’t Stop by Hannah Montana
Doesn’t really seem like she can but who knows now. Just making up for all the family friendly from before. And that’s why the album’s called BangerZ Dog Face No Space.
- Wrecking Ball by Not Billy Ray Cyrus
She really did come in on a wrecking ball, literally, and naked, which can’t be too comfortable. I’d be worried about the chain if I ever had to be naked on a ball and chain. Also running into walls. But it least it led to this wonderful arrangement combining it with Sonic the Hedgehog and Thomas the Tank Engine. You should consider playing that romhack, Thomas really is everywhere.
- Wake Me Up! by Avicii
Wake me up when this song is over, dododododododo horses running for about ten minutes, what is even the plot of the music video, are they aliens, is everyone zombies, what is up. I like the acoustic take on this one a lot better because it doesn’t sound so... processed, I guess. Like you know how some processed music is okay, like Wendy’s nuggets, like it could be more natural but this is all right, but then you get other stuff like McDonald’s nuggets and that’s why I hardly go to McDonald’s anymore. Also their actual chicken strips are kinda dry. And their shakes could be shake-ier. Overall not great but could be worse.
- Suit & Tie & Knuckles by Justin Timberlake and Jay “KFC Insane” Z
A song all about dressing up fancy, the antithesis to Thrift Shop, or maybe the other way around. And you see which ranked higher up, but then again I never really like these ranking systems anyway. Still it’s actually an all right song but yeah.
- Cups (When I’m Gone) by Anna Kendrick
Like you know that one thing with the cups the kids would do on like Zoom and stuff? This is a song about that but with like what sounds like an old folk song of sorts, or maybe it was just always like that. How did they get that many people to choreograph it all right is beyond me, I’d probably get stuck on a part eventually.
- Holy Grail by Jay Z and Justin “I Was In A Boy Band Once” Timberlake
Not as great as Suit & Tie but I guess it’s a song, just that this one’s more rap oriented and talking about how the star life can get old sometimes I guess.
- Scream & Shout by Will He Is and Britney Bitch
When this song comes on in the club I fall asleep. It’s dull and repetitive and incredibly braggy.
- Clarity by Zedd and Foxes
I remember this song playing a lot and getting tired of it pretty quickly, it’s a bit of droning EDM. The singer’s not bad but then you have the rest of everything.
- Sail by Awolnation
This guy yells a lot over a song that’s like rock or dubstep infused weirdly. I don’t really know what it’s about but this guy doesn’t like whatever’s going on I guess.
- Don’t You Worry Child by Swedish House Mafia and John Martin
Don’t you worry child, Seattle has a plan for you, and its name is Macklemore. Can we go thrift shopping. I swear that’s how I heard the line and that’s what I’m sticking with. It’s still more droning EDM, but at least a bit more listenable than Yoko Ono’s take on a similarly-titled song. Though that one’s more... interesting to hear. Also there’s totally a track on that album which is a toilet flushing. I wonder how high that would rank in the year end 100 these days. Like you’re flushing all the crap songs above it. And what would the remixes be like? Like dubstep toilets with farts and stuff because dubstep kinda sounds like farts sometimes, or a million guest rappers who have to introduce themselves for several minutes before the actual rap starts and they all only get one line in it.
- Diamonds by Rihanna
SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND. What if they just replaced the word “diamond” with “shiny rock”? That would make this song really funny somehow. But it’s true. I don’t know how I forgot this song existed, it was so repetitive and everywhere but maybe it was so forcibly catchy it forced itself right outside of my head. Weird.
- I Love It by Icona Pop and Charli XCX
You know if you put an I between the C and the second X you’d have XCIX, or 99 in Roman numerals. Also her name is maybe missing an e. Like Tumblr. But I don’t care. I’m indifferent about this song. I guess it’s a song you blast to annoy neighbors though.
- Safe and Sound by Capital Cities
This isn’t too bad, it’s a dance beat, and with some good sounding instruments, and the video is this ULTIMATE DANCE OFF between eras that somehow just doesn’t break all of time and space. But almost does. That’s the best kind of fun.
- Treasure by Bruno “M&M” Mars
Apparently a baby squirrel is a sexy mother... something. What. Anyway but this is Bruno Mars showing off all the things he’s kinda drawing from here and it’s got a good disco funk vibe. I might like this one more than Locked Out Of Panties I mean Heaven but that’s that one song.
- The Way by Ariana Grande and Mac Miller
This sounds like that one Mariah Carey song but like also has a rap for some reason. I remember a song also called The Way by Fastball and I think I like that one better.
- Started From The Bottom by Drake
Started from Degrassi more like. Yeah he was on there apparently. I don’t even know what Degrassi is. Maybe it’s from Canada. Or maybe that was just one thing of it. I think it’s about schools though. But this song is pretty repetitive. It’s just pretty much Now I Have More Money.
- Come And Get It by Selena Gomez
When you’re ready come and get it, nanananananananananananananana Katamari Damacy. A Katamari is going to roll her up. When your fries are ready come and eat them before they get cold. When your order’s ready have your number to validate. What is it. Maybe Faith No More can tell us. Oh, wait, never mind, kinda easy to figure out, but they just can’t say “sex” on the radio, even though they can.
- Hold On, We’re Going Home by Drake and Majid Jordan
Why is this music video so long. Also this song’s not quite what I’m into here, it’s like a weird ballad or something.
- Daylight by Maroon 5
Now why is this music video so long? It’s one of these that’s a bunch of people that made videos and they put it together. At least there’s more reason for that actually. The video is a video but the song isn’t really much I’d listen to.
- Feel This Moment by Pitbull and Christina Aguilera
I like the original version better. You know the song that’s actually Take On Me by A-Ha. The vocal range on that song is legit and doesn’t have Pitbull saying things like MIAMI EQUALS and DALE and WHO IS DALE and ANSWER ME WHO IS DALE.
- Applause by Lady Gaga
She wants applause. And to be weird for it I guess. Unconventional. On the Gong Show. Did they ever remake it? Probably on Fox, and it lasted like two episodes or something. Not her best work I guess, maybe not as catchy, but it’s a song of sorts.
- One More Night by Moron 5
Isn’t this why it’s called a one night stand or what is he even talking about? Songs about sex with women, or a woman, or something along those lines, I don’t know. The vocal part for the verses is kinda funny though, you have OOH OOOH OOHOOHO HOHO OHOHOHO OHO H and YOU AND I GO dadadadadada in a single tone.
- Love Me by Small Wayne and Drake and Future
There’s a word missing from this title, and it’s not what you think, but then it is. It’s about F-ing those B’s and often. No, not about report cards, that’s throwing D’s on it as Soulja Boy once said. Also Mike Will made this, whoever that is.
- My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light Em Up (Up Up Up Up (I’m On Fire))) by Fall Out Boy
Fall Out Boy with their long titles. I may have exaggerated. But this does sound like a Fall Out Boy song so if you’re not into that this isn’t for you but if you are then you’re in luck. It’s all right I guess.
- F*%@$**&^@!$?)&{|:”<>?:in' Problems by A$AP Rocky, Drake, 2 Chainz, Kendrick Lamar
This is a rap song. It’s about a joke about a problem that is about sex in that they have sex a lot so it’s actually not much of a problem as they elaborate. I am generally indifferent about this rap song.
- Beauty And A Beat by Justin “Still Around” Beeber and Nicki Minaj
So if you had to pick between hearing a Justin Beaver song and a Nicki Minaj song all the way through, which would you pick? Now you don’t have to choose, instead you can choose to not listen to this because it’s pretty generic and all that. I’d rather listen to Nicki Minaj call me a stupid hoe repeatedly, and I haven’t even messed with any gardens in years.
- Same Love by Macklemore, Ryan Lewis, and Mary Lambert
Macklemore’s song about how love is love and don’t deny it. A story about how he feared being gay because it was somehow bad but he’s straight but still pointing out gay isn’t bad. And this song came out before his home state legalized same-sex marriage in 2012. But it’s on the 2013 chart. So it’s something all right.
- Sweet Nothing by Calvin Harris and Florence Welch
Oh, this song, yeah, this played a lot. It gets kinda old like a bunch of other EDM sorts of things but not too badly at least. I keep hearing it as Sexy Nothing though.
- Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey and Cedric Gervais
She’s sad in the summer and that’s weird because usually people are happy in summer but this is different somehow. Either way it’s an all right song. Remixes of it are a bit dull though that I’ve heard, gotta keep this raw.
- Home by Phillip “Phillip” Phillips
A guy on an acoustic guitar jamming about how he wants to go home. I guess. I kinda lost interest partway through, really. It’s okay but not my cup of... cups.
- It’s Time by Imagine Dragons
SICK BANJO RIFFS YEAH. Again showing the range of Imagine Dragons. As well as the range they have on the charts on this list at least. Which up to here I think it’s 2. Not bad.
- Power Trip by J. Cole and Miguel
I don’t know what to think of this one, it seems all right, and it got up here somehow, but still kinda just not sure.
- Girl On Fire by Alicia Keys and Nicki Minaj
For as generic as this song sounds, pretty much a girl who can be on fire in a lot of ways, there’s some memorable lyrics. And they’re from Nicki Minaj. Mainly at the end during when she’s trying to do this prayer thing, she talks about how there’s a deer in her yard and there’s also a horse ranch.
- Heart Attack by Demi Lovato
It’s a pop song about not dying and also just trying to be in love I guess. I can’t really get past this one much.
Well I guess that’s the first half, next is the second half, and if we have time, the third half, but probably not.