It's a place all right.

October 9, 2015 (Originally posted on Tumblr)

Ancient Retro Review of 2013′s Year End Songs - The Not-So-Top 50

Again, continuing the list from before from this list.

  1. Love Somebody by Maroon 5
    It’s Adam Levine talking about how he wants to love someone. Not necessarily sex their brains out though, so that’s good at least. But that might end up happening anyway.
  2. I Will Wait by Mumford & Sons
    These guys that sound kinda like bluegrass sorta need like a dedicated jug blower to take their music to the next level. It’s all right but I hear their stuff a lot and it doesn’t hold up for too long in my tastes unfortunately.
  3. Try by Pink
    I think it’s funny when songs have that thing where the last part of the last line leads into the next because it’s the same word or something, but this one doesn’t do it as much as other songs.
  4. Wagon Wheel by Darius Rucker
    Oregon Trail jokes aside, this is the kind of country that should be ranking up higher instead of that “bro country” thing, you know, real country stuff. Also for some reason the Duck Dynasty people are in the music video.
  5. Gangnam Style by PSY
    This got popular because it’s foreign and the music video’s weird. It’s somehow catchy. I wonder how many people still think it’s some kind of Japanese commercial instead of a Korean music video. Or even know what it’s about. At least it knocked a Justin Boober song from the top YouTube spot.
  6. I Need Your Love by Calvin Harris and Ellie Goulding
    By now these two have made a better song of sorts but this one’s not too bad either, though a bit generic in the topic, then again, love’s a pretty standard one in songs no matter what.
  7. Die Young by Ke$$$ha
    A party song by an artist that makes party songs and all about how everyone’s going to die a horrible boring death anyway so why not party a lot and have fun.
  8. Some Nights by Fun. Period. That’s it.
    It’s an okay song but it’s also all over the place. The part where he tries to autotune is funny.
  9. Bad by Wale featuring Tiara Thomas and/or Rihanna
    Here’s a kinda rap song that has a bed squeaking. That’s just funny. Onomatopoeia. Just pick your supporting vocalist apparently because there’s at least two versions here.
  10. Boys ‘Round Here by Blake Shelton & Pistol Annies & Friends & Knuckles
    Country rap. Hella gangsta tractor. Not as bro country as... bro country but you got the whole rap part I guess. You know this guy made a song about kissing his country ass though.
  11. Gone, Gone, Gone, Gone, Gone, Gone by Phillip “Screwdriver” Phillips
    The song I know more as For You because they say that a lot in the chorus. It’s all right but it’s not my kind of jam.
  12. Demons by Imagine Dragons
    They had to have their slow sappy song on the album probably so this is it. Not my favorite by them.
  13. Counting Stars by OneRepublic
    This song’s actually pretty all right, someone got them motivated and they came out with a good jam about just following dreams and screw like limits like budget and stuff.
  14. I Cry by Florida
    I’m pretty sure there’s an original song under the rap stuff. Is this a thugs need love song? Is Florida considered a thug? He did make a song about oral though.
  15. Little Talks by Of Monsters And Men
    Here’s a good indie sort of jam, they have a good range of instruments and the song’s structured like a sort of conversation. I don’t know, a song worth listening.
  16. The Other Side by Jason Derulo
    I wasn’t much of a fan of this guy even after he stopped singing his name at the start of every song.
  17. Berzerk by Eminem
    So Eminem takes it back to a sort of Beastie Boys style with this track. He’s still at it. And not every rap has to be serious too. But is growing your beard really that crazy? It’s more maintenance than anything but I guess if you get to ZZ-Top levels then that could be something.
  18. Catch My Breath by Kelly Clarkson
    Pretty much the only American Idol people seem to remember since that whole show even started and was pretty much a copy of a British show like half of American TV probably is now, here’s an all right anthem. But for some reason the title reminds me more of a Destiny’s Child song called Lose My Breath.
  19. Crash My Party by Luke Bryan
    I’d say this party needs to be crashed, bring some hardcore bluegrass and liven it up a bit. That can get the floor really moving.
  20. Pour It Up by Rihanna
    It’s like a rap song but Rihanna’s singing it instead of some guy rapping it. Throw it up, as in throw up a lot. Of vomit. Maybe not that bad but I had to make that joke.
  21. 22 by Taylor Swift
    I don’t know about you, but feeling 22 was kinda... eh. It was another age. I was still doing the usual stuff I guess. This song’s not too much to stand out, but I wonder, is she trying to say that she feels younger or older? I don’t even know how old she is. I don’t know celebrities.
  22. I Want Crazy by Hunter Hayes
    So is this like some young country kid guy? I don’t know. I guess all the tiny girls who are well below legal means can think he’s hot though. But at least the country bit sounds legit.
  23. The Fox by Ylvis
    Why is this here? Memes. That’s it. This was totally a comedy bit that went far somehow and still ended up... relatively low on this chart. Okay then.
  24. Best Song Ever by One Direction
    This song just immediately reminds me of Tribute by Tenacious D, where they just somehow played the best song in the world to defeat a demon but they can’t remember how it goes. Much like this song does, but it’s just a dance at some place and there’s no demons and it doesn’t really rock.
  25. The A Team by Ed Sheeran
    I will just say that what this guy was doing after this ended up pretty great. This... not so much. Too sappy for my taste for one thing. Also I prefer the theme song to the A-Team a lot more. Put that in the number one jams.
  26. Carry On by Fun. Dot.
    It’s not about luggage. It’s about something else. It’s about whatever Fun Period songs are about. And that’s okay.
  27. Highway Don’t Care by Tim McGraw and Taylor Swift
    It’s kind of a slower country song and with Taylor Swift still doing country on it. That’s about it.
  28. That’s My Kind Of Night by Luke Bryan
    Is this the kind of party this guy runs? Sounds a bit less country than I expected. They really could use some bluegrass to crash the party.
  29. Swimming Pools (Drank) by Kendrick Lamar
    Not just a song about getting a pool full of liquor then you diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive in it, it’s about the kind of people who might just do that, like alcoholics. And also probably drowning in it. I think physics also mandates that if you actually tried this you would drown, also like the fumes would suffocate. But the point is Drink Responsibly (TM) (C) (R). Like how going from shots to a pool is kinda nuts.
  30. Sure Be Cool If You Did by Blake Shelton
    I’m still not much of a country fan, but if you could show me more country that I don’t mind, that would be great.
  31. #beautiful by #mariahcarey & #miguel
    #i #am #beautiful #no #matter #what #they #say HASHTAG words HASHTAG can’t HASHTAG bring HASHTAG me HASHTAG down BUT HASHTAGS CAN WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS #RobinDickHasATinyPrick But hashtags IN THE TITLE aside it’s not too bad.
  32. Troublemaker by Olly Murs and Flo “Not The State” Rida
    I actually like this song, it’s got a good beat and the singer’s got a good high range of sorts. I don’t know why The Rider Of Flo is on here though, but his addition works out for the better.
  33. Body Party by Ciara
    Get it? It’s like body parts but with a Y instead of S. So it’s like a party with corpses and dismembered limbs. Except it’s not. That would make for a weird and interesting and morally questionable song though, outside of brutal death metal of course. But here it’s pretty much sex. Also Mike Will made this too. Did Mike Will also make the Buzzard on the Beat? And where’s Biz’s Beat of the Day?
  34. Adorn by Miguel
    Some kind of slow R&B jam, where a guy’s talking over a walkie talkie while he’s singing to the ladies. But at least he’s not singing through the walkie talkie. That’s not really intimate and if you somehow hit the same channel as the cops then that’s just awkward.
  35. Hall Of Fame by The Script and Will I Am (Not Mike Will)
    I don’t know why the guy from Black Eyed Peas is here. Not the other guys but that one guy people remember more. With or without him, though, in the modern year of 2015, I think I could summarize this with a guy yelling to JUST DO IT while he makes crazy poses.
  36. Let Me Love You (Until You Learn To Love Yourself (And After That No Longer (This Is Just A Temporary Thing I Swear))) by Ne-Yo-Gi-Oh
    The way this guy sings the verses just sounds like he’s going up and down the scales a lot and that’s kinda weird. Also this just ends up sounding like one of those EDM remixes that kinda takes out a bit of the heart of songs.
  37. UOENO (AEIOU) by Rocko, Future, and Rick “Shout Out To All The Pear” Ross
    This sound is about slurring your words a lot I guess, also there’s just a bunch of words on top of each other. Also the verse where the guy sneaks in roofies and totally has his way with a lady, yeah, no. I don’t need that. She don’t need that. Sublime has a better take on incidents like these, making them seem as uncool as they really are.
  38. Next To Me by Emeli Sande
    Now here’s a song with heart and soul and piano jams. Lot of drums too. The sort of music that should be up higher on the charts and all that.
  39. Mama’s Broken Heart by Miranda Lambert
    Miranda Lambert, who after researching is not related to Adam Lambert, has this hot country jam, the kind of country you find at the bottom of the year-end charts for some reason but definitely tops all that “bro country” stuff that’s too refined. Like McNuggets. In a shake. This ain’t that, it’s bourbon or whiskey or something hard like country is.
  40. It Goes Like This by Thomas Rhett
    So this is a song about a country guy who wants to write a song about a girl. I guess. Kinda weird but all right.
  41. Bugatti by Ace Hood, Future, and Rick “Why Am I With Future Again” Ross
    A rapper that woke up in a NEW CAR and then raps about how rich he is. Got it. Next.
  42. Wanted by Hunter Hayes
    Soft country-ish song about hey girl I WANT YOU okay. And that’s all I’ve got on it.
  43. Downtown by Lady “Cerebellum” Antebellum
    Hey more country, of course, always around the bottom of the pop charts. But it could stand to be higher, you know, songs like this one. Pop charts or not, this is some good type of country.
  44. Get Your Shine On by Flo Rida George Ia Line
    More of that barely rap barely country “bro country” mixed in with the rest of the country at the bottom of the charts. However this fits in more here I guess.
  45. #THATPOWER by Will Whoever He Is and Justin Boobies
  46. Brave by Sara Bareilles
    This song sounds a lot like Roar by Katy Perry in structure and subject matter, then again, it’s actually more the other way around, this came first, and it’s lower on the year end. You gotta give this song credit though, it’s a good bit better than Roar by lots. And it doesn’t even need to copy a song from Rocky.
  47. Let Her Go by Passenger
    I really only want to say one thing about this song and it’s eeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. That’s it. The singer is whiny and it’s slow and it’s like you know how they say girls like tenderness but this guy went so tender it’s like chicken tenders that got sat on.
  48. Runnin’ Outta Moonlight by Randy Houser
    Because this is country I guess you could make a joke about how it’s more like running out of moonshine but really this song’s not too bad for country. I don’t think you need moonshine for this.
  49. I’m Different by 22 Chainzz
    BUZZARD ON THE BEAT. And are you sure? Are you sure? Are you really sure? Not sure if he’s trying to be ironic or what but yeah. If he is, sure, but if not, uh... I mean I’m pretty sure he could tell what’s up.
  50. Still Into You by Paramore
    Okay this song could stand to be higher. Quite a bit probably. It’s got that Paramore sound and all that good stuff.
So that’s the list, I guess next list is whenever or at the end of the year. Yay.

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