It's a place all right.

December 9, 2015 (Originally posted on Tumblr)

Archaeological Dig of 2012′s Year End Songs - The Lower 50

Check out this hot jam list. From years ago. Sure. Time to talk more.

  1. Ass Back Home by Gym Class Heroes and Neon Hitch
    It’s all about getting yo ass back home real fast like. The drum is kinda loud on this song but that’s all right, it’s hip hop, I also like drums. And the singer misses the rapper and stuff.
  2. Wanted by Hunter Hayes
    Yeah, I know I did this one on 2013′s list, but long story short country kid.
  3. Drunk On You by Luke Bryan
    GET IT CRUNK ON YOU WITH LIL JON YEAH. I don’t think I’d want to be drunk on, there’s vomit potential. Or maybe he’s talking about fumes. Who knows. Can a girl be made of fumes? Maybe some kind of book thing. Anyway after actually listening to the song a bit it’s definitely a country song. Yep. I’ve kinda said all I can before listening.
  4. No Lie by 8 Chainz and Drake
    Mike Will made this. Also bigger boobs and bigger butt. No lie, this is totally a rap song. Yeah... Next thingy.
  5. Want U Back by Cher Lloyd
  6. Don’t Wake Me Up by Chris Brown
    Okay I won’t. Live forever in Inception. (Don’t wake me up) Don’t wake me up inside (I can wake up) Don’t wake me up inside (Don’t saaaaaaaaaaaaaaave meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee) Don’t save me from this demon I’ve become.
  7. Dance (a.k.a. ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS) by Big Sean and Nicki Minaj
    All I have to say about this song is ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS butt ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS. It won several awards that year, including going triple platinum. Actually that was about it.
  8. Springsteen by Eric Church
    Got a country song by a country-sounding guy who plays country guitar. Not my style since it’s a bit slow for me but there you have it. I wonder if Bruce Springsteen would write a song called Eric Church.
  9. Brokenhearted by Karmin
    She sings on this pop song, and also breaks out into a rap sometimes. I don’t remember this song at all which is weird, maybe this was when I wasn’t listening to a lot of the top 40/20/10/5/1 stations. Not that I do that a lot now either.
  10. Not Over You by Gavin DeGraw
    I swear this guy has a name like a country singer but he’s a different genre. This sounds like adult contemporary or something. But sure, yeah, this is one of those sorta sappy songs and not my thing.
  11. Stereo Hearts by Gym Class Heroes and Adam Levine
    Unlike Payphone which had the guy sing a lot and then the rapper comes on and he’s like SCREW THIS, this is a rap song where the guy sings a little. I don’t know where these guys went. I mean I know where Adam Levine is but I mean the other guys. They were all over the place even just a few years back. And didn’t that guy collab on a song that was on Snakes On A Plane? Monkey-fighting snakes on the Monday to Friday plane.
  12. Back In Time by Pitbull
    MIAMI EQUALS. This is why Will Smith should rap on his movies. AND I DON’T GIVE A NUMBER TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Also isn’t Back In Time the name of a song for Back to the Future? That one was better.
  13. Work Out by J. Cole
    Why does this have him sing something from Paula Abdul? Other than that pretty much a rap song. With singing. Also according to the comments this song “LET NAS DOWN”. I remember Nas. I would call him Nas-tril because his name sounds kinda like the first part of nostril. I wonder if he’s anywhere on these charts.
  14. Rumour Has It by Adele
    Extra vowels so you know it’s extra classy. Rumor has it. Uma has it. Uma Thurman. A song potentially about Uma Thurman before Fall Out Boy did it. But that’s just how I hear it really. This is a pretty good song too. It jams hard and then you got the singing on it.
  15. Let’s Go by Calvin Harris and Ne-Yo-Yo
    More EDM with a guy robot singing on top of it, or more like under it because the EDM is REALLY LOUD AND DROWNS OUT ANYTHING. Let’s go away. DAYTONAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
  16. Good Girl by Carrie Underwood
    This isn’t about a puppy that you say good girl to. It’s a warning to the good girls out there to watch out for the bad guys. That can happen. Watch out. She’s a man eater who will eat you. Wait, wrong thing. Good country though.
  17. Pontoon by LittleBigTownPlanet
    What’s a pontoon? It’s a floaty log thing, right? According to Wikipedia: “A pontoon is a flotation device with buoyancy sufficient to float itself as well as a heavy load. A pontoon boat is a flattish boat that relies on pontoons to float.” So I can only guess they mean a pontoon boat. But here’s your hot sweet country jam to jam out to while relaxing.
  18. Ho Hey by The Lumineers
    I did this one. Nanananana HO HEY nananana nanananana HO HEY nananana. Also Lumineers are some kind of teeth thing apparently.
  19. Paradise by Coldplay
    This song almost sounds like its own dubstep remix. But not enough wubs to do so. It just needs a HUGE DROP and BOOTY BASS and it’s dubstep. Also Para Para Paradise is a game that has motion sensors and you have to do the para para dance to win it. So where’s the para para version of this song? This song could potentially be more genres than just Coldplay. Maybe even whatever “jazz fusion” is. It’s jazz but like in Dragonball Z where they do the fusion dance and like two saxophones merge I guess.
  20. Blown Away by Carrie Underwood
    I’m not exactly blown away by this song though. But country type songs can be pretty good when it’s not all “BROBROBROBROBRO”. Leave the brofest at the “gyme”, whatever a “gyme” is.
  21. Rolling In The Deep by Adele
    This is that song people know by Adele. There’s a fire, and it’s the rain, because it was set on fire. But this is a good song, I like a lot of the Adele songs like this. With loud drums and good singing.
  22. Climax by Usher
    Wow this guy is really high pitched. And sings a lot of songs for the lady friend ladies. And climax here means sex probably. That’s all I’ve got.
  23. Work Hard, Play Hard (Don’t Make Jack A Dull Hard) by Wiz Khalifa
    I AM A SUCCESSFUL RAPPER AND WILL SAY THE N WORD A LOT BECAUSE I CAN WHILE TALKING ABOUT MONEY. Says this rap song. I mean he’s totally free to, I’m not gonna stop him. But I don’t have to be into rap tracks like this either.
  24. Let Me Love You (Until You Learn To Love Yourself (Then No More (Because You Ugly (U. G. L. Y. (You Ain’t Got No Alibi (Wait I Was Trying To Make You Feel Better (Let’s Just Start Over))))))) by Yo-Yo-Ne
    I covered this. Not a jam I can jam.
  25. Pound The Alarm by Nicki Minaj
    She just wants you to fart on her young. But when there’s a huge long fart in this song she just goes and pounds the alarm. You know you’ll break the alarm doing that. Even though the farts already broke it. Hotter and hotter and sexy(-er?) and hotter. Woop woop woop woop woop woop pull over that ass too fat. FARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT. POUND THE ALARM. Whoops I broke it. Sexian Hotter, the sexy version of Harry Potter.
  26. Come Over by Kenny Chesney
    GET OVER HERE. Then he throws this chain spear thingy at the girl and drags her over. It’s the one girl from Mortal Kombat, I know there were several but you know. That’s what I wish this was, if it was Mortal Kombat. Not slow country.
  27. Heart Attack by Trey Songz
    What does Trey Songz even mean? He’s a guy who sings to the ladies at least, but is this about like three songszzzz? Also he beeps his ripoff Game Boy a lot in this song.
  28. Drank In My Cup by Kirko Bangz
    Is this guy’s name a pun on Kurt Cobain? Or is this a weird coincidence? But if you want some kind of rap, this is some kind of rap, I think, otherwise I don’t really want this.
  29. Birthday Cake by Rihanna and Chris Brown
    The lyrics that made her feel emotions. Cake cake cake cake cake cake cake. THE CAKE IS SEX, IT’S A METAPHOR, DON’T TELL ANYONE I TOLD YOU. Also Chris Brown is here for some reason.
  30. So Good by B.o.B.
    Apparently you could watch the video in 3D on the 3DS through that Nintendo Video thing people didn’t really use because there were only four at a time and usually they were just weird. But this song’s good enough you don’t need 3D for it. You could say it’s so good. It’s about treating a girl right while spending a lot of money for traveling because traveling is kinda expensive. Also the name reminded me of James Brown’s I Feel Good. So good.
  31. 50 Ways To Say Goodbye by Train
    Some sort of mariachi-type song but also with the white dude singing. Also trying to mention how this girl died but didn’t. She got eaten by a suntan, sat on by a lion, run over by an airplane, got shocked in the water, and then her corpse was a zombie that knew how to return stuff to the store. And then had too many drugs at the Nissan Nightclub. Are there 50 ways in this song? I doubt it. But it has David Hasselhoff. Don’t hassle the Hoff.
  32. Red Solo Cup by Toby Keith
    This song’s about you should use a million plastic cups at parties. Now you can get reusable ones though so what even now. Get it crunk with a plastic cup. Some drunk party song that’s kinda slow for total party jams.
  33. Love You Like A Love Song by Selena Gomez and The Scene
    This doesn’t have enough wubs to be dubstep. More like dubpop. Also it’s one of those songs that has random Japanese stuff all over the place in the video. What was that whole Harajuku Girls thing?
  34. Turn Up The Music by Chris Brown
    Don’t tell me what to do. Also why did Chris Brown have all this Wingdings of the future? Oh look I’m the future, I wrote “butt” in Wingdings.
  35. Die Young by Ke “The Dollar Sign” Ha
    Party until die. Welcome to die. Yeah, this song again.
  36. 5 O’Clock by T-Pain, Wiz Khalifa, and Lily Allen
    I don’t know why this is a rap song. Or an “autotune singing” rap song. Well the second reason is because T-Pain, the always autotune, is on there. It’s like he’s some kind of robot. Then Wiz Khalifa raps for a bit because you can’t just have one rapper. Lily Allen does all right but not sure about the other guys.
  37. A Thousand Years by Christina Perri
    And I would walk 1000 years just to see you something. That’s not this song. Not walking 500 years and then 500 more to fall down somewhere either. This song isn’t too bad a song but I can’t get too into the slow jams that are just all like I LOVE YOU A LOT AND ALL THAT STUFF. But go figure it’s this song for Twilight. Which is all like I LOVE YOU A LOT AND ALL THAT STUFF. And then 50 Shades of Grey was about Twilight and that was all like I LOVE YOU A LOT BUT LET’S ALSO BE KINKY A LOT AND WE’LL CHANGE THE NAMES SO WE CAN SELL THIS. And then you have the Minecraft fanfics that are just being sold in like any bookstore now and it’s like come on you know you can go to like Fanfiction dot net and post everything there and then maybe change the story so you can sell a more original idea. I mean it they’re like in ANY DAMN STORE WITH BOOKS EVEN IF THERE’S JUST LIKE TWO. I’d probably rather read like gangsta Shakespeare. And Shakespeare was pretty legit because if you get what they’re saying, there’s all kinds of yo mama jokes and stuff like that, like centuries ahead of the times.
  38. Take A Little Ride by Jason Aldean
    Legit country jams about riding trucks anywhere you can fit a truck. And then you get MONSTER TRUCKS. AND YOU RUN OVER TINY TRUCKS. THEN YOU GET A MONSTER TRACTOR. AND YOU RUN OVER THE HOUSES. THEN YOU GET A MONSTER HARVESTER. AND THEN YOU HARVEST SOULS. I liked playing the Monster Truck Madness games as a kid. I didn’t have many games either but they’re fun to go back to sometimes.
  39. You Da One by Rihanna
    U DA 1. All the tiiiiiiiii i i i i i i i i i i ella ella a A A A A A A A A A A A A A UMBERELLA A A A A A A. I never heard this Rihanna song before I don’t think. And they’re usually all over the radio. But it’s a Rihanna song that is a Rihanna song. She makes lots of songs.
  40. We Run The Night by Havana Brown and Pitbull
    MR. 305 MR. WORLDWIDE MIAMI FLORIDA AUSTRALIA IN FLORIDA. Here’s some party jam EDM-sorta rap-type song thing. Also I swear they’re kinda taking from that one Black Eyed Peas song about the bass keeps running.
  41. It’s Time by Imagine Dragons
    It’s time for Imagine Dragons again! But I did this song already recently.
  42. Cashin’ Out by Ca$h Out by Ca$hin’ Out by Ca$$$h Out
    This sounds entirely like a one hit wonder, you know, because when your major song is all just HERE IS MY NAME HERE IS A SONG ABOUT ME instead of HERE IS A RANDOM SONG TITLE HERE IS A SONG ABOUT ME it makes a difference. However because of rap I think that he’s probably on about 1000 other tracks somewhere. Also this song is about rapping about how he keeps switching out girls he’s with because rappers just do that I guess apparently, so the songs go. You know that’s not always that. And he has condoms on his wrist and neck somehow. Or condos. I don’t know how you do either but condoms would be more feasible yet weird.
  43. I Don’t Want This Night To End by Luke Bryan
    But I don’t mind if this song ends. It’s a country love song.
  44. Diamonds by Rihanna
  45. Hard To Love by Lee Brice
    Way to describe my feelings about this song. But also it’s about a guy who’s all like not perfect and maybe a jerk probably sometimes. But Thugs Need Love. Except this is country so I don’t know the country version of a thug, and it wouldn’t be bro country either.
  46. Somethin’ ‘Bout ‘A Truck’ by ‘Kip ‘Moore
    Way to describe country. Yeah, it’s a country song about drink beer on trucks with girls. Or drink beer on girls with trucks. Or trucks drink the beer while girls drive them. I’m never sure about this country lifestyle but I know things that do.
  47. Adorn by Miguel
    I forgot this song existed in the short time between lists. The intro sounds like the Dreamcast bootup sound. I’m still not big on it.
  48. Fly Over States by Jason Aldean
    He doesn’t even care what states, he’ll just randomly fly over them. And all the farm states look the same from the sky. But you have to drive in them to really understand all the cornfields. It’s a song about how you should be a country way of life. Pretty much I guess. However I can’t computer how I do in the country so I had to get to the more urban zones.
  49. Even If It Breaks Your Heart by Eli Young Band
    All the country just settles at the bottom at the end of the year. Except bro country, which is the worst, which just climbs up anyway. That’s about all I’ve got. This is country, not bro country though. I forget if that existed at this point. If it did I already forgot it.
  50. Burn It Down by Linkin Park
    A lot of new Linkin Park just reminds me of the Micheal Bay Transformers because they really wanted to use those songs a lot to be super edgy and modern I guess. Even though this is totally a softer Linkin Park. Even if the guy still yells in his trademark yelling voice. Like a song about burning things to the ground, right? No, it’s more of a song you do in the credits or something. That one about bleeding everywhere was harder than this and that one seemed kinda forced even for Linkin Park.
Okay list done. Next one is 2015 since it's suddenly out.

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