2015 Year End Song List Recap Thing Part 1
Here we go suddenly, this is the thing I’ve been waiting to do and gradually lose focus on as it progresses. Going off of this hot list of the songs around this year.
- Uptown Funk!!! by Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars, not Mars Markson and Bruno Ron
Here’s a song I like. So many people liked it that apparently Billboard had to instigate a rule that prevents songs with this kind of staying power from staying after they drop below spot 25 on the weekly after a year has passed. Well, it’s funk, and it’s very uptown, and I think this song’s a keeper. I don’t usually go download a bunch of songs right as they come out, they have to prove themselves to stay on my music players of various types. So this one is definitely a keeper in that regard. Uptown Funk will give it to you, whatever this vague “it” is.
- Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran
Here’s Ed Sheeran making another slow song. I dig him more when he’s all crazy on songs like Don’t and Sing, so more like Don’t just Sing, kick some ass while you’re at it.
- See You Again by Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth
Here’s a song about Paul Walker, it stuck around a whole lot for a while. Sounds kinda forcedly sad though, like here’s a sad song dedicated to a guy, not here’s a song that’s about this guy who passed on. Even the part where they go AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH a bunch sounds like they’re trying to sound like they’re crying but it’s not convincing.
- Trap Queen by Fetty Wap
Here’s a rap song. Apparently this guy has one eye but this paragraph’s more about the song. The title makes me wonder is this about trap music or someone who looks feminine but has male genitalia? Well the video sure starts out with an explosion I guess maybe. Going over the video, I’m still not sure. But this is sure a lot of singing for a rap song. So does that mean it’s R&B? I don’t know. So, uh, it’s okay?
- Sugar by Mauve 5 or something like that
He’s hurting and broken and needs love, but going by the other songs I don’t think that’s really changed I guess. Meanwhile the band’s just going to play at all the weddings somehow. Are these actors? Maybe. Is this song good? It’s, uh... something. But I don’t know, wouldn’t give this a lot of listens probably.
- Shut Up and Dance by Walk the Moon
This sounds hella indie. I forget if this was on the last list but let’s do this again if it was anyway, it’s all right and I guess sometimes you should just shut up and dance and party a lot.
- Blank Space by Taylor Swift
A blank space but not sure where exactly this space is, is she writing a check? Also boys only love torture apparently. Is that why they keep trying to date her? And then getting dumped or dumping her, which I don’t think the latter happens because she seems like the type that’d be the first to do things. Sure. I can’t seem to get into these songs.
- Watch Me (Take a Dump) by Silento
More like don’t watch this crap. You know that one song where the guy is all like TWO HOPS THIS TIME and TURN AROUND and CHARLIE BROWN and all that stuff? This song copies that and is really bad at it. As in don’t join me in these dances, just watch me do them, nobody else can do the SHINGALING LIKE I DO NOBODY NO NOBODY NO NOBODY ELSE. And of course that song’s better, too. Soulja Boy is even better than this song. Because at least you can go up to someone and yell YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU into their face. So that’s three songs that are way better, one of which isn’t by much but still.
- Earned It (50,000 Shades of Grey) by The Weekend
This song’s slow enough to be like some kind of imposing march. Is Darth Vader about to get freaky? Except singing with way too high a voice to be a Sith lord. I’m not sure what this one girl earned, but it’s probably sex with this random dude. Well, hopefully the guy also earned the consent to have sex with this lady, too. Or else there’s gonna be trouble. And the end result will probably end up making this guy sing with an even higher pitched voice.
- The Hills by The Wknd
You only call me when it’s WUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUB TURN DOWN THIS CRAP I CAN’T HEAR YOU. Also this is somehow a trailer for The Hills Have Eyes, a Mario horror film about cannibal radioactive mutants or something. The car that flipped over should have exploded more and then a metal band plays on top of the flaming wreck. That would be a good video.
- Cheerleader by OMI
I don’t know what exactly but something’s always bugged me about this song. Like... it’s just somehow missing half of its instruments or something. It should have like more than two at once or something. Even old game consoles could rock many beepy instruments at once. The chorus is just this donk-y noise drum thingy. And the guy sounds a little too autotuned whether or not he actually is, but I swear it sounds like it. It’s good to see a bit of tropical flair with songs like this on the chart, but I think it can get better, too.
- Can’t Feel My Face by The Weekned
Of course the song I find the most likeable from this guy so far is the lowest of the three so far on the charts. This has a funky beat and the guy can use his high pitched sort of voice well on this track. Also he can’t seem to feel his face, maybe he should get that checked out.
- Love Me Like You Do by Ellie Goulding
Oh, this song was on 50 Shades again, okay. That’s why there’s random people in the video and then suddenly some girl getting whipped I guess. Well, uh... it’s an okay song but I can’t really get behind it, it’s just a bit slow and artificial-sounding I guess. Like the backing track is too synthesized for what this song is I guess.
- Take Me To Church by Hozier
More like take me to a funeral because this is slow and depressing. I don’t wanna go to this church if this is how the sermons are. I’d rather go to one of those churches where everyone’s just singing and dancing and there’s all this joyful choir stuff going on, now that’s a way to raise your spirits with the Holy Spirit if you’re doing that and all.
- Bad Blood by Taylor Swift and Kendrick Lamar
Why is this a spy film? This should have just been a spy film. But now it’s a video I guess. She can sure make a pose landing on her back on a car from 50,000 stories up though. Also here’s a rapper because this is a song. What movie is this supposed to be copying? I think this one’s all right and it seems to match what she’s like and all, even having a rapper to seem more gangsta or something. Just like T SWIFT CLAN AIN’T NOTHING TO F WIT.
- Lean On by Major Lazer and DJ Snake and also MØ which isn’t just M0 or MO but it’s gotta be the one with the slash apparently, like in Brøderbund Software which still exists apparently but as a shell of its former self really
So, this is some kind of slow EDM thing that lacks the energy I’ve seen in previous Major Lazer and DJ Snake jams, specifically Pon De Floor and Turn Down for What respectively. It may or may not have anything to do with Fast and the Furious but maybe I’m thinking of Get Low. Not much else to say about it.
- Want To Want Me by Jason Derulo
I don’t really want to want this guy, to be honest, and I haven’t really felt that way ever. He might not have to sing his name anymore but with a song like Wiggle that’s kinda not great at all, yeah. This is better than Wiggle and some other songs but I’m not quite into this.
- Shake It Off by Taylor Swift
You still can’t copyright This Sick Beat. It’s a stupid phrase not worth copyrighting. Like hella or dope. Something you’d only use ironically. This song’s pretty dumb also. Haters might hate but potatoes will also potate and tomatoes will tomate as well.
- Whërë Я Ü Ñöw by Skrillex and Duplo and also Just Leave It In Beaver because they just need all these people I guess
So for some reason Skrillex and Diplodicus or whoever actually released this under some name called Jack Ü I guess because they didn’t want their names tied directly to the project but surprise everyone knew anyway so there. It’s pretty dull and not worth it if you ask me.
- Fight Song by Rachel Platten
I can’t fight to this song, it kinda sucks for that. I’d rather fight to something by Flogging Molly or similar. That’s something you can hold a bar brawl to.
- 679 by Fetty Wap Your Wad On The Counter and The Remy Boyzzz
There’s some random numbers, is it an area code? According to Wikipedia which won’t stop asking me for money just shut up already PBS, it’s for the southeastern Michigan county of Wayne, designed as an overlay for area code 313, and isn’t actually used yet. Good job representing a not yet existing area code. Anyway I can’t tell what they’re rapping about.
- Lips Are Movin by Meghan Trainor
More like Hips Are Movin because she likes to talk about big butts without lying. All about that ass. Or bass. But specifically ass bass. Booty bass. Anyway this is another one of those songs that’s supposed to sound like the old pop style but is too clean to sound like it. All I hear is another song that’s just kinda there and not really much.
- Worth It by Fifth Harmony and Kid Ink
The beginning of this song just sounds like the skull trumpet on repeat really fast and unless you’re a bunch of skeletons that’s not how you want your song to go probably. I don’t really think this song is worth it.
- Post To Be by Omarion, Chris “Not Charlie” Brown, and Jhene Aiko
I think they meant “supposed to be” and this isn’t about being some kind of post. And DJ Buzzard or whoever that beat guy is still jamming his Casio or whatever in this modern age. He found this synth flute now I guess. Yeah, not my kind of rap. Gave it up like groceries. Grocery bag.
- Honey I’m Good. By Andy Grammer. That’s it.
Nah, nah, honey I’m good, where did you come from, where did you go, who are you Cotton Eye Joe. That’s what this song sounds like to me. It’s not bad. Also he wants to not go have sex with every woman since he wants to stay loyal, unlike whatever “hoes” are referred to by Chris Brown. So he doesn’t want to get super drunk I guess. Cotton Eye Joe.
- I’m Not The Only One by Sam Smith
Took long enough to find the song in this video. This guy can sound pretty soulful somehow. I could get with this.
- Good For You by Selena Gomez and A$AP Rocky
You got 27 on the list? GOOD FOR YOU. You got over 200 million on YouTube? GOOD FOR YOU. This song has a rapper? GOOD FOR YOU. Okay but really this isn’t my kind of jam, no way. I was just messing with the title I guess. I’ll come and get it later I guess, this doesn’t put me in any mood. Nananana.
- All About That Ass by Trainer Meghan Wants To Battle! Trainer Meghan Sends Out A Pokémon’s Entire Ass, As Seen In That One Pokémon Center Line, I Am Not Kidding About This.
Mass Effect, more like Ass Effect. All about that ass, no nipples. Ass blaster. Booty bass. BOOTY BASS BOOTY BASS BOOTY BASS BOOTY BASS TWERK IT TWERK IT TWERK IT TWERK IT BOOTY BASS BOOTY BASS. Butt boobies. I already did this song.
- Style by Taylor Swift
He has no style, he has no grace, and Taylor Swift has yet another song out apparently. Not quite my style but I guess you could handle this style. It’ll go out of style someday though.
- Hotline Bling by Drake
Like Hotline Miami but not a game and has a really cheap video I guess. Just dance in some lit room and there’s just this random intro of girls talking on phones. Hotline Miami probably has a better soundtrack plus it has murderers in animal masks with also letterman jackets and the like. There’s your next Halloween costume if you didn’t already do that, you can get those masks just about anywhere.
- Hey Mama by David Guetta, Nicki Minaj, Bebe Rexha, and Afrojack
Not to be confused by that Black Eyed Peas song back from when I could listen to them and think it’s all right, here’s a song sung by Nicki Minaj and about like hey sure I’ll do this and that but kinda sarcastically, yeah. There was another song that covered something like that but did it worse. I forget what so clearly it wasn’t a memorable one. This one’s better though.
- GDFR (Going Down For Real) by FRFSTGL (Flo Rida Featuring Sage The Gemini & Lookas)
Going down so real you have to swipe the outro of Low Rider and put it on loop too much. His name’s Flo Rida not Lo Rida, get it right. Not great.
- What Do You Mean? by Justin I Might Be Out Of Jokes Now
What do I mean? This song’s not totally awful, just... dull and uninspired I guess. The clock noises representing time you could spend listening to better.
- Photograph by Ed Sheeran
LOOKADIS PHOTOGRAPH EVERYTIME I DO IT MAKES ME LAUGH. Some sappy song about have pictures because it’s nice. Come on go hard like on Don’t or Sing that stuff jams yo.
- Hello by Adele
Is it me you’re looking for? Well, for a song to dislodge The Hills, yes, please, I’ll take a new Adele jam. Someone who sings as opposed to someone who yells and screams randomly over his whining dubstep. As singing as ever, Adele’s got it.
- Stitches by Shawn Mendes
This song’s pretty eh but okay I guess? Pretty clichéd to heck though. Just needing stitches because you can’t handle a bit of tough love. He got one minute into 50 Shades and was like nope, this is too hard for me. I can’t read words. Even though they don’t get to the rough sex stuff until like I don’t even know when because I haven’t read the book or seen the movie but I know there’s a part where the lady gets sent this licensing agreement or something dumb and there’s like a bunch of loopholes probably and it’s all about you have to obey and stuff, yeah, this is the BDSM people want, Apple Legal Docs! Don’t use this hardcore sex type thing inside a nuclear bomb, nope, or you might get sued by whatever’s left of the apocalypse!
- Talking Body by Tove Lo
Let me hear your body talk. Let’s get physical. Let’s hear it fart or explode or whatever noises are. Breathing maybe. If I liked your body would you hold it against me, literally. If you seek Amy, spell that out and go hard I guess. Anyway this song has some random guy get arrested I guess and it’s a weird song. Gonna f-word for life, on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.
- Jealous by Nick Jonas
Guys can get jealous too. Apparently. He made a song about how guys can have feelings. Well, of course. Sure. Anyway, not so hot of a jam.
- Time of Our Lives by Pitbull and Ne-Yo
Partying hard, but on a budget. That can be pretty relatable, even coming from some rapper types who make a bunch of money. Nice change of pace here. I could get to this despite it still kinda sound like generic-ish party jam.
- Locked Away by R City and Adam Levine
If I got locked away, if I murdered someone, if I ate off their face, would you still love me the same. Well it really depends on how heinous the crime is. If I set off a nuke, if I burned a baby, if I-- wait where are you going. I won’t do that. Dang it I lost the girl, guess I’ll go burn a bank and steal an orphanage. See, there’s some things you could maybe get away with having someone really loyal but not those. Maybe stealing a pack of gum, but honestly going to jail over that is pretty dumb. I hardly ever have gum anyway, I like food more I think.
- Somebody by Natalie La Rose and Jeremih
This sounds like a Buzzard on the Beets song but I guess the backing track is just that generic. It also kinda ends up extending to the rest of the song. So, yeah, pretty much like a song that happened.
- FourFiveSeconds by Rihanna and Kanye West and somehow Paul McCartney
Go figure that throwing all these random people together made a song that’s actually pretty all right. Sounds like a country jam sung by modern pop stars or something.
- Centuries by Fall Out Boy 4
Okay, the song Tom’s Diner isn’t centuries old. It’s back a while but not ancient. This also sounds like something that would play over the credits of some superhero type movie, go figure. But do do do do do do do do do. Whatever covers come about of that song are probably all going to end up kinda weird. Here’s one with Britney Spears for some reason, and some other kind of rap remix or something.
- My Way by Fetty “Loadsamoney” Wap and “The Full” Monty, and may or may not also involve Drake but not sure
MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY. Now that I said that I can say this. This is sure a rap song with singing. Yeah. That’s really all I’ve got. Which rap-type song titled “My Way” is better? I’m inclined to go with the limpest biscuit because it has that “““charm””” that Fred Durst yells.
- Take Your Time by Sam Hunt
Don’t confuse this guy with Sam Smith, or Sam Hill, or Uncle Sam, any other Sam I guess. Sounds like some kind of slow country singer who also raps over his guitar. Not my thing.
- Animalsmals by Monkey 5
Animalsmals? Sure. Animals, moles. They’re singing about moles. AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Because you know how moles howl, right?
- I Don’t F!@#$%^&*()K With You (In The Coffee) by Big “Big Ass” Sean and E-40
I don’t give a fart. I don’t give a what. I don’t give a fudge. I don’t give a fbaby. I don’t give a F for phenomenal F baby. If you have to say it so many times do you really not care? Who knows. It’s rap. Rap sometimes doesn’t make all the sense.
- B!@#$%^&*() Better Have My Money by Rihanna
I guess she better have money. Is Rihanna really a gangsta rapper who can rap about getting all that staxxxxxx and ratatatat goes the sound of my gat? Maybe, sure. Not really good singing in this though. ELLA ELLA A A A A.
- Flex (OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH) by Rich Homie Quan
Think it’s a game? Sure, it’s a video game about rapping at cars. Pimp My Ride for the game consoles. GHOST RIDE THE WHIP. STAND ON THE ROOF. DRIVE ERRATICALLY INTO TRAFFIC. This is very much that kind of rap song I can’t get into and even other rappers get sick of and go make better rap songs about actual things that happen and not just HEY I’M RICH BIATCH HONK HONK.
- Nasty Freestyle by T-Wayne, when T-Payne and Lil Wayne do the Fusion Dance
So this is a song that happened because of Vines. People would act like they’re driving a car when he says he’s getting out of the car. Also it’s shot on video really badly. Like a Vine. And the guy is autotuned so weirdly when he talks. Like Keisha Fabo.
Hey, that’s half down, half to go, the other half is coming up, so hopefully I can keep it down. But for now it’s time to G-O out the D-O.