The Ancients of 2011: Top Song List Part First Half
So here’s a blast from some past that is probably in this universe unless I somehow shifted back. It’s this list. And here’s my thoughts of now from the songs long ago. Also a bunch of these I think were on the 2012 list so okay, sure.
- Rolling In The Deep by Adelé Penguin
There’s a fire, and this is that track. A fire track. So hot it was on the next year’s list, too. I like it.
- Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO Schwartz and Lauren Bennett and GoonRock
This somehow survived to the next year as well. Party rock is in the house and outside at the same time. I don’t think anyone was supposed to take them seriously.
- Firework by Katy Perry
This is the song she made where she shoots fireworks from her chest. That must hurt. It’s all about being inspirational so you inspire people to be inspirational or something. It’s admittedly a bit clichéd but it’s not too bad I suppose.
- E.T. by Katy Perry Mason and Kanye West
So supersonic it collected all the Chaos Emeralds without having to replay any bonus stages. Also alien sex is next, according to Kanye West. This must be Mass Effect. Was this song inspired by Mass Effect? Or that one news story that said you got to see a full alien boob with all the nipples and made parents unnecessarily mad, but not mad enough to keep kids from learning every swear in every language on shooting games? Or those E.T. bootleg pornos?
- Give Me Everything by Pitbull, Ne-Yo, Afrojack, and Nayer, whatever that is
I wonder if this was when I started getting introduced to dull EDM party “jams”. Because this is totally one. Not much buildup and not much drop and really not much to do except feel bored and sit on a wall.
- Grenade by Bruno Mars
This was the time when I didn’t really like this guy’s songs as much. Some ballad about how he’d eat a grenade while he drags a piano along instead of just borrowing a truck or something. Maybe the piano has a grenade in it. Maybe it is a grenade.
- F*** You (a.k.a. Forget You (a.k.a. Screw You)) by Cee Lo Green
It’s nice to have a song that swears at you. Well, then again, there’s also the Lily Allen song from before. Also countless others. And you can’t forget Insane Clown Posse’s F*** The World. And there’s also countless other songs with that same title. Go figure. Or rather, go elf yourself. Or something along those lines. Also the girl is an Xbox, which means big and bulky black box that kinda looks like a VCR, though at this time it was the 360, probably a slim model, and he’s an Atari. A company that no longer makes consoles and ruins everything pertaining to the Rollercoaster Tycoon license these days. We need that game’s Cities Skylines compared to the Sim City that happened and is going to happen again probably. But anyway this song’s all right, and I like the part where the kid gets slapped because he swears. You don’t get that in your clean Wal-Mart versions. I’m pretty sure Wal-Mart still does that. Screw CDs there. Or in their words, BUY OUR STUFF.
- Super Bass by Nicki Minaj
This is a song where Nicki Minaj raps with that accent and tone and stuff. And there’s also all these EXTREME CLOSE-UPS of guys with abs. Like so close you can see all the veins hit your eyeball and examine skin cells for DNA. But I guess it makes up for all the times there have been whole boobs on top of the camera all the time like in all the other videos. Though there’s also plenty of her boobs, too, so at least this video balances out? I’m not sure what criteria I’m going by here. I’m also not sure what the super bass in that song is. Is it that feature on some stereos where you push the button and the music is just suddenly too loud? Maybe. Or it’s about a butt.
- Moves Like Jagger by Moron 5 which I’ve said for the 5th time at least and Christina Aguilera
I covered this before I know for sure, because I mentioned the “boobs that saggin’”. It’s pretty eh. As in I don’t really want to hear this again.
- Just Can’t Get Enough by The Black I Peed, then I went to a doctor (not really, thankfully)
This is that “new reborn” era of The Black Eyed Peas that I can’t stand them. Honestly if you had to ask me, Elephunk was the peak with actual party jams you could jam to. And My Humps has to be a joke song. I can’t take that seriously. Some people compared that to Milkshake, which is way better, and has a weird video where they actually make shakes and the shake machine explodes. Also they could actually be making milkshakes in the song’s context if you decided to read lightly on it. And then the I Drink Your Milkshake thing happened. Apparently that part is the ending so if that’s the best part of the movie then I’m glad I saw it on its own because context would probably ruin it. I think my mom saw it and was just confused as heck. Apparently it ends at the middle of the book or something, so yeah, I don’t know if they were banking on a sequel. So note how I tangent off on these kinda often here? Not only am I kinda tired when I’m writing these but the song’s so unnotable I just talk about better stuff. Like when I could listen to The Black Eyed Peas. I actually got that one CD recently because it was way cheap. Why not I suppose. Get funky.
- On The Floor by Jennifer Lopez and Pitbull
It’s a new generation of Pepsi. MR. WORLDWIDE MR. 305 MR. MIAMI MR. FLORIDA. Donkadonkadonkadonkadonka Tonka. Pump it pump it pumpers like to pump. Dalé. Who is Dale. Tell me now. Who is Dale. Las Vegas in Miami, Mexico in Miami, Florida in Miami. It also copies parts of the melody, the part that’s more of a melody than the rest, from a song from a while ago somewhere. So this is a party jam, I guess. Sure.
- S&M by Rihanna
Predating 50 Shades by however much probably, it’s ASS ASS ASS AND AM AM AM. ASS ASS ASS AND TITTIES TITTIES TITTIES. UMB UMB UMB ER ELLA ELLA ELLA. This song is very loud and very obnoxious and something you don’t play in front of kids because they’ll think being kidnapped is fun. NA NA NA NA COME ON KATAMARI. What if this song was just entirely NA NA NA NA NA NA COME ON over the beat. It would probably still get a top spot. Just look at all the EDM tracks these days. What is an EDM concert? It’s a guy playing a tape. Just some guy walks up and sticks in a tape and leaves and shakes his butt a lot. But that butt is overshadowed by the dancer girl butts they hired. Anyway, ASS ASS ASS AND AM AM AM. Meet her in her Boobah and ow ow ow.
- Pumped Up Kicks by Foster The People
This is a song about a kid who gets a gun and shoots all the kids with cool shoes so they can take them. That’s about it. Also a dad brings a nice surprise. It might be his dick. This song is probably somehow about child abuse and child murder all at once. Maybe. I don’t know. But the gun thing is true at least. Also shoes. Don’t murder people.
- Last Friday Night (TGI Friday’s) by Kitty Perry Galore
Apparently the day after some party and yeah. Just wants to party forever even though Facebook now has pictures of Pussy Galore, and I don’t mean the Bond character. Also drunk stuff I guess. It’s not a great song but it’s there and it stands for stuff.
- Just The Way You Are by Bruno Mars
Another song from the era of Bruno Mars I couldn’t stand, it was all ballads. At least on the radio. This talks about a nondescript girl who is likely insecure about things, and that girl could be YOU! If you win a contest or something. I don’t know. Songs do that a lot.
- Tonight (I’m Lovin’ You) by Enrique Iglesias and Ludacris and DJ Frank the E and all that stuff
Here’s a party jam probably. About deciding to love a girl tonight. Really forcefully. Also it turns out that the song is really called Tonight (I’m F***ing You). Oh. Does he need to spell it out in balloon letters while topless women jiggle about for some reason? If Tumblr was around then this song would cause an uproar there for eternity. Maybe it was, maybe it did. I forget. I mean he doesn’t want to seem rude, but... it really does seem a bit rude to be like HEY GIRL I AM GOING TO INSERT MY PENIS INTO YOUR VAGINA WITHIN THE NEXT FEW HOURS SO PREPARE YOURSELF. Maybe take that time to call all the cops. And listen to Sublime which covers the topic in a way that’s better.
- Raise Your Glass by P!!!nk
A song all about having a party but just need to go nuts I guess. Toast to being crazy or something. And then the one part where she says the next line too early. Cool stuff I guess.
- Born This Way by Lady Gagagagagagagagagaga
So this is when Lady Gaga somehow became the spokesperson for anyone who was LGB and/or T and then some and was just all like, hey, people are born in ways that they’re born. Also according to the video she gave birth to the universe or something. And then her fans were also called monsters. Also I think this might have been the album where she was Photoshopped onto a motorcycle for some reason. Anyway I don’t really consider this her best song. And I’m only sorta into the songs at best.
- F!@#$%^&*()in’ Perfect by P!@#$%^&*()nk
So take the vague message of that you’re okay from Firework and Just The Way You are and swear in it and you get this which is pretty much inspiration but Pink did it her way. That’s about all I’ve got.
- What’s My Name by Rihanna and Drake
Banana what’s my name? It’s clearly Rihanna. Or Banana. And then Drake is here for some reason. Banana is my name, Banana is your name, Banana is our name. And the square root of 69 is “8-something”, closer to 8.30662386292 according to Google. Whatever that has to do with anything, sure. Banana. What’s my name. Oranges.
- Look At Me Now by Chris Brown and Lil Wayne and Busta Rhymes
Look at him now, hot on the heels after he hit Rihanna or whatever her name is apparently since she can’t seem to remember it going by the last song. Sure. But apparently he’s inside a club you can’t get in, and honestly, I don’t think you should bother, there’s better clubs. And he’s doing vandalism and wearing big nerd glasses. But Busta is definitely busting his rhymes. This should just be a Busta song. I mean he’s rapping for a big portion of it.
- Down On Me by Jeremih and 50 Cents
This is definitely a rap song. I don’t want to listen to it anymore. It’s pretty generic. Even if 50 is on it and 50 made songs like Candy Shop where the Candy Shop is really probably some kind of sex house. And the song where they don’t care if it’s your birthday or not.
- How To Love by Lil “F for a word that starts with P” Wayne
Well I don’t know if you should follow a guide about how to love from this guy because he likes to talk about how ladies can lick his lollipop, by which he means penis, but who knows. I can’t really stand this song anyway. And no, I’m not going to use Shazam, screw that.
- Someone Like You by Adele
I’ve done this one before! Another Adele jam.
- Good Life by OneRepublicUnderGodIfYou’reNotACommunistIndivisibleWithLibertyAndJusticeWheneverWeFeelLikeItIGuessSoJustDon’tBeADirtyCommunistAndWe’llAllBeFineProbablyWhoKnowsButIfYouNeedToMoveToCanadaSureGoAheadAndUseAllTheDrugsMaybe
I don’t find this song totally good. But it’s all right I guess. Fine and all.
- The Lazy Song by Bruno Martian
Another Bruno Mars song. Okay. It’s a song about not doing anything, but I don’t find it a good song to do nothing to. Also there’s weird monkey men that want to eat your face probably.
- Till The World Ends by Britney Spears
It’s a Britney Spears sleeper hit, as in this one makes me kinda want to sleep because it’s pretty generic. Also I forget when it was that she shaved her head off but it was around this time maybe? I don’t know. Or earlier. Or later even.
- The Show Goes On by Lupe Fiasco
I don’t know where this guy went but here’s a song. It rips off of a Modest Mouse song apparently and screw this. The source song is better.
- The Edge of Glory by Lady Gagagagagagogoagoagoaogaogaogaogoagoagoagoagoaogsjflsjdlfkjsdlfjsdlfkdsjlkfsdlkjfljdskflskdjfsdlkjfdskljgvselgkjvbselgkjsdflkj
There’s a knife sharpener called the Edge of Glory. They should have used this as the theme song. And that’s my thoughts on whatever this song even is that I don’t care much about.
- We R Who We R by Ke$$$ha
This song isn’t a text. It’s a song. I’m not exactly a big fan of these songs. For some reason it reminds me of Go Hard by Kreayshawn. That’s a... song. I guess. It’s weird.
- Black And Yellow by Wiz Khalifa
YEAH. UH HUH. YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS. BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW THIS SONG IS PRETTY REPETITIVE BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW. Long story short, repetitive and silly and only fun to play loudly to annoy someone probably. No keys, push to start, so it’s easy to steal. BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW
- Tonight Tonight Tonight Tonight Tonight by Hot Chelle Rae Smemmerd
This sounds like one of those songs that would just be at the end of a Shrek movie or something for the credits after everyone already left. Maybe it was, I think I’ve only seen up to like Shrek 2 as a kid. Either way I would probably leave when this song happened.
- Blow by Ke$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ha
Oh. Is this about oral? Cocaine? No, it’s actually about this girl who’s getting in fights in some weird club with unicorns. And exploding a dance club with dance or whatever this is. This one’s okay maybe.
- Lighters by Bad Meets Evil and Bruno Mars
By now I’m pretty sure I think I like Bruno Mars better when he’s copying all the styles of the past hits instead of ballads. And that’s totally Eminem, too. He works better as a Rap God or similar as well. Growing your beard out to be considered crazy.
- If I Die Young by The Band Perry
Okay so half the time on these past lists it keeps trying to link me to some weird live version. Stop that. I want to find the weirdest video. But anyway, here’s a song all about, hey, if I’m dead then float me on a boat with a book and BURN ME ALIVE SERIOUSLY SHE’S STILL ALIVE, OR MAYBE A ZOMBIE, BECAUSE SHE’S SINGING ON THE DEAD BOAT. And it can be interpreted as the song version of HEY YOU’LL MISS ME MORE WHEN I’M DEAD THAT’LL SHOW YOU and all that. Don’t do that.
- Stereo Hearts by Gym Class Heroes and Adam Levine
Oh it’s this one. His heart is a stereo somehow, like that weird thing I heard about in Videodrome. I haven’t seen it but I’ve heard things. Where did this guy go? I don’t know. But he could do things. However Adam Levine is still doing things, inside and outside of Maroon 5. This one’s actually not too bad for what it is, but yeah, could be better stuff.
- The Time (Dirty Butt) by The Black Oil Piss
Here’s a song that sucks. Yes, I’m being that blatant instead of hedging around. It sucks. The new form of Black Eyed Peas pretty much ended up blowing, universal critics agreed, even. Too commercial, too ultra-refined to have no edge and becoming generic party jams too generic to even party to. And then apparently one time Kotaku said, hey, do you like Minecraft? I guess that means you love garbage music! And then just spammed it a bunch and they are such a garbage site I hate them so much. Like for anything that may be considered an actual even there’s a billion other garbages so it’s not even worth going to the site anymore. Also it has a bad layout. And it loves to promote arguments in the comments. And it even knows it’s a garbage site. That whole multimedia empire is garbage. Burn that. You have my permission to actually set it on fire if you have to. But, yeah, this song sucks badly. I’d wipe my ass with it but it’s too dirty to, apparently. And CDs can’t really get all the necessary parts.
- Coming Home by Diddy and Dirty Money and Skylar Grey
What is this song, the intro is all right and could lead into something but then now it’s just some rap song with rappers talking over each other. And he hates some song. I don’t really hate this song though, just, yeah, though it’s better rap than a lot of the crap rap that happens I guess.
- Hey Baby (Drop It To The Floor) by Pitbull and T-Pain
MR. WORLDWIDE. DALE. And it’s the singing rap robot! Wiscansin. That’s not this song but still. This song is VERY LOUD. Just loud bass and drum thingies. And it’s all about, hey, if you have a girl, give her to them because they can do a lot of sex or something. It’s all about what she wants to do, and they even allude, if she wants to play, let her go, but you know. Just not a thing I’d want to get with, considering I’d like to have a loyal thing happen between both parties. And then of course you can picture Pitbull on a Kodak billboard at the end. Picture that with a Kodak.
- Only Girl (In The World) by Rihanna
She keeps making songs. Here’s another. Make you feel like she’s the only girl in the world, at least for girl pop star with all the songs that get cranked out. Cake cake cake. Ella ella ella A A A. NANANANANA COME ON. I don’t really have feelings for this one other than it came on a lot.
- 6 Foot 7 Foot 8 Foot 9 Foot 10 Foot 11 Foot 12 Foot by Lil Wayne and Cory In The Gunzzzzzz
Okay why did this rip off Inception. Barely. They just copied a couple scenes incoherently and put girls on top of pictures with a really repetitive sample and a lot of bragging. Yeah. I’m going to be over here now not listening to this.
- Just A Kiss by Lady Antebellum of the Cerebellum
It was only a kiss how did it end up like this. Well here’s some real country somewhat high on the list compared to recent years when any high spots are entirely bro country and also much lower. Sure is a slow country song. Not really my favorite type of country.
- Dirt Road Anthem by Jason Aldean
Another country! But still country. And also still kind slow. Oh. Okay. I’ll go to next. I mean it’s all right, but yeah.
- Dynamite by Taio Cruz
DYNOMITE. I PUT MY HANDS UP IN THE AIR SOMEHOW SCREAMING HEY YOU GET OFF OF MY CLOUD. HEY HEY YOU YOU GET OFF OF MY CLOUD. Yep, club jam, okay song maybe.
- No Hands by Waka Flocka Flame and Roscoe Dash and Wale
The rap singing sounds so bored in this song. Uhhhhh drop it to the fluuuuuuuh something about cash. So, yeah, a rap song you can get bored to. These party scenes seem like people get bored at them in videos sometimes.
- I Wanna Go by Britney Spears
More like I wanna go listen to something else. And screw reporters apparently. As in every video. And as in leave them instead of actually screwing them.
- I’m On One by DJ Khaled, Drake, Rick Ross, Lil Wayne, and... that’s actually it.
So who else wonders why DJ Khaled gets the top name when he hardly says much else than his name and WE DA BEST? I mean he makes the beat and stuff I think but yeah. So here’s a rap song, and it’s not my kind of song, so I’m out. I’m not on this one. Just rap harder maybe. And WE DA BEST. Your DJ Khaled evolved into Wedabest.
- You Make Me Feel... by Cobra Starship and Sabi
YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A MAGICAL WOMAN. No you don’t. But here’s a song. It’s one I got pretty sick of after like one or two plays. Dang top 40 stations. More like top 4. Wait I think I already used that joke. Well it’s pretty representative sometimes. So makes sense to repeat it.
- Yeah 32X by Chris Brown
It’s only 3X but 32X is 29 more Yeah. And a console module add-on thingy that was just weird. I sometimes take interest in dead consoles that helped destroy console divisions to see just what insanity lies within. If only there was something to play NGage games. Also this song’s not great.
- Moment 4 Life by Nicki Minaj and Drake
First Nicki Minaj talks to herself a bunch at the beginning. Then words that rhyme with PIE-YA. And eventually Drake happens because he’s just everywhere. Yep. That’s all I’ve got.
And that’s the first half, the other half should come shortly, I hope. Maybe.