The Ancients of 2011: Top Song List Part Second Half
Well here we go once again, for the second half of the list, so that’s the last half. This is the list I go by, and I’m going to yell at all the songs now maybe.
- I Need A Doctor by Dr. Dre and Eminem and Skylar Grey
Is Dr. Dre a doctor? Maybe. Well he can do rap stuff at least, a rap doctor. He thinks about waterfalls and rappers and drives a fast car. Then it’s the future with science and ghost girls. And then the rap song actually starts. All right, then. So it’s a rap song. And... rap happens. But these guys are pretty good at rapping. And the girl sings. That’s a song.
- Just A Dream by Nelly
Nelly invents the hovercar, then finds a gigantic One Ring. Eventually a hoverhouse explodes and the One Ring goes to Mount Doom, also the hovercar explodes. So it’s a lesson on using Sauron’s demonic powers to invent hover technology. Also he thinks about a girl in a dream. It’s a very Nelly song with a very something video.
- Motivation by Kelly Rowland and Lil Wayne
So does Lil Wayne just throw together random phrases and sometimes it’s actually something that’s a bit witty or what? Because putting a woman on a plate and then doing the dishes...? What? That could be emphasized very incorrectly. Like sit on a plate and then go run the dishwasher. So this is a slow jam which is all right I guess.
- Stereo Love by Edward Maya and Vika Jigulina
I’m pretty sure there are about a thousand different versions of this song, or at least the base melody involved. Or maybe those are just remixes. Or maybe I’m just thinking of songs that came out around the same time that involved the radio and were of the same genre. Yeah, this is remarkably unremarkably average I think.
- Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri
Well, she can sure sing. This could be from a soundtrack. I don’t think it is, though, apparently outside of a Glee cover, because Glee covered everything. But the song here is pretty good, I’d say.
- Roll Up by Wiz Khalifa
ROLL UP ROLL UP ROLL UP ROLL UP WE DEM BOYZ. Oh, wrong thing. That came out in the future. But the intro for this song is almost as repetitive. If it was cut in half. It’s a bit more regular rap instead of repeating autotune like HOLD UP WE DEM BOYZ. I’d take this one over that. Also Black and Yellow. Which is also very repetitive.
- Sexy And I Know It by LMFAO OMG WTF 🚶 🐋 🐌 🅱 🐒 🐓
A song about telling everyone that you’re sexy. Then flopping your genitals in a speedo everywhere. Game developers could stand to learn male jiggle physics from this video, a careful study of something that’s hard to tear your eyes away from as much as you’d like to stop looking. Or maybe you want to look, that’s fine too. Again, something to like really only for its sheer absurdity and non-seriousness.
- Rocketeer by Far East Movement and Ryan Tedder
The video opens with someone saying they need to take a job in Tokyo. So it starts with someone who has to MOVE to the EASTERN hemisphere which is pretty FAR. GET IT??? I have to admit I kinda like this song, it has a good groove. Even if it has to refer to Like A G6 which was just grating.
- All Of The Lights by Kanye West as well as Rihanna and Kid Cudi
This video is apparently epilepsy warning. I guess I warned you here too. And it really doesn’t have much reason to do so because it’s some girl walking in the snow and then SUDDENLY JUST RANDOMLY FLASHING COLORS LIKE WHAT THE HELL MAN, and then it’s mostly like a lyric video until he raps (safe and still image). Yeah, this video has no reason to just suddenly be throwing up the really fast flashing stuff. And of course Kid Cudi is going to be blamed even though Kanye did it and continue to be his own mascot. This video is pretty pointless. The song is... something. Maybe okay. I don’t know. Video not okay. It’s hard for someone even without photosensitive epilepsy to watch.
- Hold It Against Me by Britney Spears
THIS SONG IS A JOKE, SHE SAYS SHE WANTS YOUR BODY, WHICH IS SOME KIND OF COMPLIMENT, AND THEN SAYS IF YOU’D HOLD IT AGAINST HER, WHICH IS KIND OF A PUN MAYBE BUT NOT QUITE, MORE OF A DOUBLE MEANING, AND IT MEANS DON’T TAKE OFFENSE AS WELL AS SLAM YOURSELF INTO HER. GET IT? NOW LAUGH. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHFHSLDGLVKSHGOLFJIOPEJGIOJSDIOFJIOSGVBSEJGVIP Okay. That’s all I have to say. It’s pretty much a typical Britney Spears song of this time. Also she’s suddenly a space alien I guess.
- More by Usher
MORE USHER? EXTREME EXASPERATED SIGH. OKAY FINE. But really, this is a pretty high-energy song and this one’s okay by me.
- What the hell, Avril Lavigne????!?
Oh, wait, that’s a song by Avril Lavigne called What The Hell. But he was a biker boy, she said what the hell, and drove a taxi like in Elite Beat Agents when they did Sk8er Boi. Weirdly they also had a mission where a pug rides a skateboard and didn’t use that song for that, but picked a different one. Highway Star. So, yeah, song I’m neutral about, big surprise, this is why I’m not a professional song reviewer person. I’d turn in this list of just incoherent rambling like you see here and that’s great and all for here but that’s going to take up the whole page of the newspaper for anyone who reads it. And to wrap this up, what the hell, fried chicken.
- Written In The Stars by Tinie Tempah and Eric Turner
STOP RANDOMLY THROWING IN LIVE CONCERT EDITIONS INTO MY FACE LIST. Unless it’s specifically the live version that charts hardcore then I need the recorded thingy. If possible. But here’s a cool rap song. With piano singing. English rap can be pretty legit. Also got guys like Dizzee Rascal.
- Bottoms Up by Trey Songzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and Nicki Minajzzzzzzzzzzzz
ASS UP FACE DOWN THAT’S THE WAY I LIKE TO... CLOWN? Well, it might not be that type of bottom. But here’s Mr. Stealyogirl, an unfortunate name where a lot of the family was actually quite respectable to their prospective mates. A song about drinking a lot. Yep. Sure. Get your red Solo cup.
- DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love by Usher and Pitbull
EVEN MORE USHER???!??!?!?!? EVEN MORE EXTREME EXASPERATED SIGH. No, but really. I’m not as into this song.
- For The First Time by The Script
First of all stop giving me unskippable ads on YouTube longer than a few seconds because that’s awful. Second I don’t even recognize this song. Too bad since it’s one of the better ones on this chart, though not really my favorite, either.
- Honey Bee by Blake Shelton
Well this definitely looks like a country video, there’s a dog and some farm house thingy and people selling random stuff on the side of a road that’s not even really a road. Yep, this is what country was like before the bro junk hit everything.
- Don’t You Wanna Stay by Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson
Hey it’s more country. Weird how the songs just kinda get lumped together on the charts like this. Well, anyway, not a bad one but not one I really like, either.
- We Found Love (In A Hopeless Place (Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot)) by Rihanna and Calvin Harris
I covered this one on the 2012 list, where it was way higher. Personally I’d put it in the lower spot though. Too repetitive and artificial I guess.
- Pretty Girl Rock by Keri Hilson
So this isn’t a rock song, it’s more like Beyonce-esque or something but with less yelling, whatever genre that is because I’m pretty sure I’d miscategorize it. And the aforementioned rock is more of a dance-like maneuver.
- You And I by Ladydada Gagigaga
Did anyone expect this to make sense? I sure didn’t. Is this supposed to be like a country song but with weird robot synth over it? You know this could be the best bro country song without even being in that category. And even so overall it’s more just kinda... there, I guess.
- Like A G6 by Far East Movement and Cataracts and Dev/Null
I was going to say that speaking of “cataracs”, this song made me want cataracts for my ears but I could also remove them freely without surgery, but then realized those were just earplugs. I was sick of this song the first time it came on. It coming on repeatedly on stations certainly didn’t help that either. I don’t even know what this “G6″ is. Is it a plane? A car? Some timeline in Transformers? This song sounds roughly like a fart in a can. The can part being because it just sounds so poorly made like coming out of a can phone and the fart being because it’s a dumb song.
- Without You by David Guetta and Usher
This song was on the last list. Not great then, not great now.
- Back To December by Taylor Swift
Back when she was more of a country pop singer of sorts instead of yelling about breakups constantly and making beats sickening or whatever that song was even about. Shaking. I can tell you I wasn’t a fan much back then more for genre reasons I guess.
- Teenage Dream by Katy Perry
She can be your teenage dream despite being legal age now I guess. However that works. I found this one a bit overplayed and repetitive I guess. The more you hear a song sometimes the less you like it.
- Crazy Girl by Eli Young Band
Yeah, another country song. There sure were a bunch of these maybe. I can’t get with this one. I could probably get with Buckcherry’s Crazy Bitch more than this one but not so much either.
- Cheers (Drink To That) by Rihanna
It’s weird to describe this one, it sounds a little different than other Rihanna songs but also a lot the similar. Not bad for that I guess.
- Who Says by Selena Gomez and The Scene
She goes nanananananananananana in this song. When you’re ready to get it I guess. Get a Katamari. This sounds a lot like I AM BEAUTIFUL NO MATTER WHAT I SAY WORDS CAN’T BRING ME DOWN but with a different melody I guess. Nananananananananananananananananana.
- Barefoot Blue Jean Night by Jake Owen
So is this a song about a night when you want to relax enough to remove your socks but not take the effort to change into sweats or slacks or something? I can’t entirely tell. But they apparently went for beach wear, too. Definitely a country song though, it’s all right.
- Knee Deep by Zac Brown Band and Jimmy Buffett
Knee deep in Margaritaville? Maybe. And why do you need that specific salt shaker anyway? That’s not this song but it’s that guy. I can’t think of what else to say here because I’m pretty average on this one I guess.
- Country Girl (Shake It For Me) by Luke Bryan
Where can you trace the origins of bro country? Was it around this time? This song? This artist? Who knows. It’s not as blatant here but it’s clear enough to tell that this certainly has a part in it.
- Remind Me by Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood
Holy crap there’s a lot of country on this list. Did bro country just like break everything after a point? I mean you can’t blame one genre for everything but I’m just wondering. At least this is more legit country, though slow.
- In The Dark by Dev
Oh it’s this song. Yeah, you can see the influence of repetitiveness on G6 from this work’s style here. Incredibly repetitive and shallow. Sex drive that’s push to start (x100000000). And then random saxophone notes thrown in for some reason.
- Backseat by New Boyz and Cataracts and Dev
I was thinking, hey, here’s some rap I won’t be able to say much about, but then I saw the featured artists and... well let me repeat myself on what I think. Incredibly repetitive and shallow. If anything this is more like G6 than In The Dark, though, only for the fact that it switches between rap and the chorus-like part.
- Headlines by Drake
EXTRA EXTRA! Drake is still a rapper. And, yes, they know. We all know. It’s rap. HE RAPS. That’s all I’ve got. Short story.
- Best Thing I Never Had by Béyoncé
According to Beyonce, a man’s ass is the real man. Man ass. Other than that, here’s Beyonce again. It’s a song I heard once but didn’t really stick to.
- Don’t Wanna Go Home by Jason Derulo
DAYO ME SAY DAYO ONE DAY SALE AT THE
BON MARCHE BON MACY’S JUST MACY’S NOW. JASON DERULO. This is when he was a Pokémon that sung his own name. And copying commercials from forever ago. Except there was an actual song there once. I just know it as the Bon Marche song. That store doesn’t exist now, Macy’s ate it. And now I wanna go home. Away from this song.
- Where Them Girls At by David Guetta and Florida State and Nicki “Lotta Boobs” Minaj
Well there’s one girl right in this song already so you can stop asking. Apparently this video takes place in the future where songs come packaged in free-floating bubble globules, kinda like the PS9 commercial where it’s cocaine you snort into your brain. If you eat one like Nicki Minaj did you rap crazy like she does and also smile a lot weirdly too. Or maybe that’s just her regardless. Probably. Also there’s this weird as hell commercial right now on Hulu I saw a bunch because I was watching South Park and this guy was vomiting up a bunch of bubbles and it laughed like insanely loudly when they popped. But anyway this song’s at least tolerable and Nicki Minaj has some weird silly rap verses on it too.
- She Ain’t You by Chris Brown
Apparently he tries to be Michael Jackson in this video? I can tell you one thing, he’s nowhere as smooth as Jackson. I don’t think Jackson made any songs about women who are either prostitutes or being referred to as such not being loyal. Unless there’s some weird deep track somewhere and even still I’d think it wouldn’t be as outright blatant.
- Take A Back Road by Rodney Atkins
It’s a country song about being stuck on the highway so just wanting to drive right off the road and onto some houses that were under that maybe and then maybe after that end up on a road somewhere and get lost at like 20 miles per hour for several hours because you don’t know the local roads. Maybe not that in depth but the basic concept’s there.
- Please Don’t Go by Mike Posner
This song could be better. A bit boring. I think I’m going to go now.
- Sure Thing by Miguel
Wait does he love this girl like a brother? Like a literal brother or “brother”? How does this tie into the “bros before hoes” argument? I sure think that’s weird, I guess. And I sure think this song is okay I guess but not great?
- Price Tag by Jessie J and B.O.B.
It’s so easy to mishear this song as “it’s all about the ching and bling and I was raised in the projects” at least for me, but that’s the opposite. And everybody look to the left, and to the right, and chances are one or more of those people won’t be there after freshman year. But here’s a song that tries to subvert things. Just like Royals. And that other song. And that other other one.
- God Gave Me You by Blake Shelton
No they didn’t. You found them. They found you. Or something. You don’t just get given people. This isn’t a Russian mail-order bride thing or whatever. Sure you can order organs or whole people but you’re kinda not supposed to, I mean the organs thing is more for if you need a new one but yeah. Anyway here’s a sappy country song. I’m not a fan.
- She Will by Lil Wayne and Drake the Rake
So for some reason the first result is this completely different rapper and a completely different song, so maybe the real song doesn’t have a video. The fact that it took me a long time to realize this says something. So just for fun let’s compare that song which is blatantly stealing views with the real song. Actually never mind I don’t really care for either and don’t really want to link either, either. There, two reviews done at once.
- Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not by Thompson Square
More country! Yaaaaaaaaaay. I mean it’s still better than that bro country crap but to be honest I was never the biggest country fan either. Now just make up your mind about making out I guess.
- Animal by Neon Trees
MOTHERFUCKING ANIMALS. Oh, wait, that song’s in the future. A crappy future of mashing your face into a xylophone. Also it’s supposed to be “WE ARE THE FUCKING ANIMALS” but the dinky donks are so distracting it all just sounds awful. Anyway, this song. Here we go again dadadadadadsfgklfgfdjgkldfglfdkjgdfkgj;dfgjlkdgkljsdflkjsdflkjdg I got kinda bored of this song pretty quickly. But it still somehow beats out the other two Animals songs in... what was that, 2014? Sure.
- You And Tequila by Kenny Chesney and Grace Potter
More sappy country? No wonder bro country got wedged in the charts so easily, but that just made things worse.
- Colder Weather by Zac Brown Band
It’s too coooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooolder in the arms of my weather. That one’s better. This one’s EVEN MORE SLOW COUNTRY. Sorry for not being much of a country fan but really it’s more me not being a fan of slow sappy songs all the time.
- My Last by Big “Ass Ass Ass” Sean and Chris Brown
Also this is the last song on this chart! How silly. Well I’ll just say it kinda belongs on the bottom part of the chart but not the absolute bottom because there’s much worse.
And that’s it for this ancient scroll uncovered in the deep sea or something like that. I may go even more ancient next time.