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March 15, 2016 (Originally posted on Tumblr)

2009 Ancient Top 50 Song Reviews (1/2)

Again? Okay. It just keeps getting older and I’m not getting any younger. Here’s the new old list and here goes nothing.

  1. Boom Boom Pow by Black Eyed Pows
    I know this more as the Bad Lip Reading version called Everybody Poops. Androids must poop to blend in. If not for that parody sort of thing it’d pretty much be pretty generic. Well the actual song itself still is. Also there’s some product placement randomly for some old touchscreen monitor thingy. So I wouldn’t put this on the top spot but it’s not the worst thing ever.
  2. Poker Face by Lady Gaga
    This is the song everyone remembers from Lady Gaga. It is too catchy. I really can’t hate this song. It came on a lot but whatever rhythms go into it just go together somehow and I’m pretty perplexed. Just poke the face. When Russian roulette is not a gun and somehow fun and oh oh oh oh hit it hard and stuff.
  3. Just Dance by Lady Gaga and Colby O’Donis
    I don’t know who that guy is but I thought he was Akon. I call this the most generic-sounding of all Lady Gaga songs. Mainly because she doesn’t sing in that voice. That one that’s all like RAH RAH GAGAGAGA or whatever. Instead she sounds like a pop singer.
  4. I Gotta Feeling by Black Eyed Peas
    I got a feeling that I already covered this last list. Songs are persistent.
  5. Love Story by Taylor Swift
    I can’t stand this song. Too sappy, too clichéd. It’s a love story about Romeo and Juliet. Sorry for the spoilers on Shakespeare but THEY DIED IN THE END BECAUSE ONE THOUGHT THE OTHER WAS DEAD BUT THEY WERE FAKING AND THEN THEY DIED FOR REAL. That’s not a great example of a love story, it’s a tragedy through and through though. Also Shakespeare had some crazy jokes in it if you know what they’re saying. Your Mom jokes and everything.
  6. Right Round by Florida the Florida
    How do you take a lovably stupid cheesy 80s song and make it worse? Florida. Not the state, the rapper. Singer. Mostly rapper-ish singer? What is this genre? Maybe it’s not rap. Maybe it’s CRAP. Is a crap rapper called a crapper? I don’t know if I’d go that far on Florida though. This song’s just pretty dumb. Also Ke฿ha is on this one.
  7. I’m Yours by Jason Mraz
    A dorky song by a guy who drew his face on his CD. Or someone else did, I don’t know. I can’t hate this song but it’s not my favorite. Too cheery to dislike unless you hate everything but maybe too cheery to enjoy? Who knows.
  8. Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) by Béyoncé
    I know you’re supposed to focus on Beyonce’s singing being all powerful but what the hell is up with the backing track? Clapping rhythm, sure. Random flute noise, what is that supposed to be? Weird synth buzzing that sounds like a zipper, what the hell are you even doing? Some random fade in to more synth noises like a string section for a movie soundtrack, maybe, sure, but that doesn’t mesh with the sounds that don’t mesh with anything. This isn’t a bad song overall but again the backing track composition is highly questionable. And why did Beyonce’s hand become a robot?
  9. Heartless by Kanye West
    Is this the prequel to Hotline Miami Bling? I don’t know, it seems like the same type of song. But about a slightly different subject. So why are there just Jetsons pictures all over the video? Hey, a song about heartbreak or something but HEY LOOK CARTOONS. What?
  10. Gives You Hell by The All-American Rejects
    These guys were all over the place before. One heck of a breakup sort of song. Now I don’t know what they do. But hey it’s one crazy song that you can play loud at people if you want.
  11. You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift
  12. Dead And Gone by TI-83 and Justin Timberlake
    I had to look up if this was a tribute and it’s apparently for one of TI’s bodyguards. Then for some reason I went to a weird train of thought that ended up being what if Ronald Reagan rapped about the bodyguard the crazy guy shot. I don’t get my mind sometimes. It’s an all right song for rap and stuff though I wonder why Justin Timberlake keeps getting with rappers and for whatever reason the version I found on YouTube was the lowest quality possible.
  13. You Found Me by The Fray
    I found them. I don’t remember liking these guys’ songs much. Usually too slow and sappy like this one. That’s the summary of the songs by these guys in my opinion.
  14. Use Somebody by Kings Of Leon
    Again, this song still is weird because whenever he says USE he puts so much emphasis on it.
  15. Knock You Down by Keri Hilson and Kanye West and Ne-Yo-Yo-Ma
    Not agaaaaaaain. This song is somehow sick of itself. It’s some weird pairing between Kanye West and Keri Hilson for some reason. Did they date? I don’t know. I know that Kanye eventually got with a Kardashian at some point and I still don’t remember how they got to things. But there was that weird motorcycle video. And then there’s some other rapper.
  16. Blame It by Jamie Foxx and T-Pain
    Blame it on the A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A ALCOHOL. Why is Jamie Foxx autotuned? Is it just to match T-Pain? Because he doesn’t exactly need autotune. And now it just sounds like T-Pain did the whole song. I had to check who was singing what. Pretty much the weirdest part to the song that stands out to me.
  17. I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho (No I Don’t (Number Nine))) by Pitbull
    So in case you were wondering just how repetitive a club song can get it’s like this was like a minute of content on loop and occasionally a different verse thrown in to try to hide that. If you were to break the song down into parts it’d be mostly “chorus”. Like there’s the main chorus, the part where he says the exact same Spanish sentences, and then a verse of like four lines in mostly English. It seems robotically assembled mostly.
  18. Live Your Life by TI-84 and Rihanna Okay why is this sampling that one song that the fat guy in the chair danced to in like ancient Internet memes? “Numa Dance” or whatever it was called? And the song wasn’t even called “Numa” or whatever, it was some other words? I can’t take this seriously.
  19. Kiss Me Thru The Phone by Soulja Boy Tell Em Dot Com Dot Org and someone named Sammie
    A little something for the ladies from the guy who once said SUPERSOAK THAT HOE. YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. Kiss the phone, but hope it’s not a payphone or you’ve kissed the entire state of New York or something. I can’t really see this guy doing a ballad with all the insane songs that have come out.
  20. Down by Jay Sean and Lil Wayne
  21. The Climb by Miley Cyrus
    You could say that around this time the climb finished and it’s all downhill from there, or something. As far as decency or whatever. I don’t know. Also this might be from HANNAH MONTANA HANNAH MONTANA HANNAH MONTANA HANNAH MONTANA. TWERK. Some kind of country song then.
  22. Best I Ever Had by Drake
    YOUTUBE IS A SCAM. But I found it eventually. It’s rap. He raps. What more can I say. THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST. It’s not the best. Also there’s basketball in the video because I guess rap and basketball.
  23. My Life Would Suck Without You by Kelly Clarkson
    What can I say, way persistent. This is one blunt song. A couple that kinda sucks but apparently sucks worse when apart. Pretty much.
  24. Halo Master Chief by Beyonce
    An all right song. However the best cover I know of is in an art as hell indie game of some kind. Maybe consider looking at games such as Space Funeral and Sluggish Morss if you haven’t.
  25. Hot N Cold by Katy Perry
    YOU’RE HOT AND YOU’RE COLD YOU’RE YES AND YOU’RE NO YOU’RE IN AND THEN OUT YOU’RE UP AND THEN DOWN YOU’RE BLACK AND INTO WHITE YOU’RE WRONG AND INTO RIGHT WE FIGHT WE BREAK UP WE KISS WE MAKE UP. I did that from memory. Help. Maybe some things got shuffled but it’s all there. Pretty much all about indecisiveness.
  26. Second Chance by Shinedown
    This song sounds like more of a bringdown though. Goodbye is some second chance and all. Pretty sappy.
  27. Circus by Britney Spears
    You’d think it’d be about putting on so much makeup it looks like someone became a clown but no, it’s just about her being all sex-like and such and dancing in some fashion. There’s only two types of people in the world, those who know binary and... wait, I messed that up.
  28. Day N Nite by Kid Cudi
    So like back in the day, when Counter-Strike Source was the newest Counter-Strike, I remember this song being on a server in some remix form. I would never play the game properly, it was always with like so many skins for weapons it all looked weird as heck and I would go to minigame servers. This isn’t a bad rap-kinda-sorta song. I don’t know if it’s enough singing to be R&B because the melody is pretty flat for it. But it’s a pretty cool chill song.
  29. Party in the USA by Miley Montana
    It’s not about political parties, it’s about a real party, that happens to be in the country. That’s the gist of things. It’s okay I guess but not something I’d stick with.
  30. Don’t Trust Me by Three Hundred And Three
    She wants to touch his wingdong and he wants to touch her hooha. So he says. I can really only think of these guys as pretty much LMFAO, a group that you can’t ever take seriously and makes somewhat annoying music. Also they seem to think Helen Keller was on the Twerk Team. They also implode at the end of the video. If this was the hope of humanity then bring on the robot apocalypse. Though it’s not much of an apocalypse for the robots. If you’re going to depend on male models, look for Zoolander and his crew, they know more than just being really really really goodlooking.
  31. Run This Town by JZ and Rihanna and Kanye “Not Adam” West
    Here’s some kind of rap song. Apparently this was in Battlefield 4. In the background it sounds like a duck constantly quacking but I think it’s supposed to be like a really short clip from a speech I can’t figure out what it is.
  32. Let It Rock by Kevin Rudolf and Lil Wayne
    The music kinda sounds like it’s from this other rap song. It’s also kinda weird how a mainly rap label once signed a rock act and then just kept pairing it with rappers. WAYNE’S WORLD PARTY TIME EXCELLENT
  33. Fire Burning by Sean Kingston
    Okay, so this guy wants you to tie up emergency services because some girl’s dancing? People have done this over burgers and concert tickets so honestly I’d believe it’s intentional. If the dance club is actually on fire, though, yeah, consider getting help.
  34. Whatcha Say by Jason Derulo
    I already said something about this, I’m not repeating myself.
  35. LoveGame by LadyGaga
    You could joke that you could remove the “sco sti” from “disco stick” and get a clearer view of what she’s after, but we’re past that here. No we’re not. It’s another version of the Magic Stick. Also Taylor Swift can’t sue, she says “this beat is sick” not “this sick beat”. Also this came first. Pretty much classic weird Gaga but also kinda generic pop Gaga mixed with it.
  36. Waking Up In Vegas by Katy Perry
    I wasn’t a fan of this song back then and I’m not one now. It’s kinda like the later song about the last night on Friday so if you want to find connecting themes, you’ve got empowerment, some kind of sex thing, and parties the day after.
  37. BIRTH. DAY. SEX. by Jeremih, not a bullfrog
    BIRTH. DAY. SEX. This song sounds like he’s really forcing the song. Girl you know AAAH AAAH AAAH AAAH. BIRTH! DAY! SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXX!!! MAAAAH AAAAH AAAAH AAAAH house. It also kinda almost sounds like Jingle Bells. BIRTHDAY SEX, BIRTHDAY SEX, SEX ON YOUR BIRTHDAY. OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE THIS BUTT.
  38. Sober by Pink
    For an artist that has a lot of party-related songs, here’s one about not being at a party and not being on anything, kinda, I guess. And as a result it’s not as loud and not as powered up. When I say not as loud, it’s still loud. Because her songs are loud.
  39. Womanizer by Britney Spears
    WOMANIZER 3000 ACTIVATE. PEW PEW WOMAN LASERS. This song sounds robotic enough to make it seem like it’s about a robot that shoots lasers made of women that make more women or something. But it’s just bluntly calling some guy trying to hit on the ladies a womanizer. I don’t get how that word works anyway, would it be more of an objectifier in this context? Because that word implies treating someone as an object, womanizer implies treating someone like a woman. I suppose if you’re taking in regard prior caste systems and such it’s not the best thing to do but if you’re one to treat women as well as anyone else with the respect they deserve, then sure. Why do I keep confusing myself over weird pop songs.
  40. Whatever You Like by TI-89
    This is a song about a rapper being rich enough to get a girl whatever she wants. That’s nice and all. The more realistic version is done by Weird Al of all people which is about trying to impress a girl on a tight budget. If you want to reach someone, that’s how you do it, not by going I’M RICH BIATCH HONK HONK but by working with a budget.
  41. Obsessed by Mariah Carey
    For some reason now I wonder what if Drew Carey covered Mariah Carey songs. The Drew Carey Show sure had some over the top choreographed spectacles for sitcom intros. But here’s a song about someone who’s not Drew Carey being obsessed about her. I guess.
  42. Mad by Ne-Yo the Yo-Yo
    U MAD BRO? LET ME PUT ON MY COOL FACE. OR TROLL FACE. BOTH FACES. SAME FACE BUT FLIPPED. So this guy argues with a girl and then he goes outside and this kid just randomly gets run over by a car. Sure. I’m not sure how those escalated or if that was supposed to be his kid because it looked like just some random kid on the sidewalk walking along and then running into the road. Either way I can’t get into this guy’s songs. I think it’s mainly for the ladies.
  43. Good Girls Go Bad by Cobra Starship and Leighton Meester with the keister or something like that
    He makes the good sheep go BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD. Get it? Sorry. But the vocoder use or whatever that is sounds weird in this song. Also it’s pretty much another one of these songs that’s all like hey I’m a bad dude. And then in a messed up low res NES voice he says “I’M BAUGHD.” And he rescued the president once. Also for some reason the rap breakdown in this just sounds like they took it from Hollaback Girl. That song about bananas.
  44. Love Lockdown by Kanye West
    Kanye West becomes a robot and screams SYSTEM OVERLOAD ERROR GIRL NOT FOUND or something. Some kind of relationship gone pretty bad thing or something.
  45. So What by Pink
    This kinda sounds like an Irish Drinking Song. Maybe not from Whose Line though. And she just wants to be who she is, pretty much. That’s the long and short of it, done in loud Pink style.
  46. Hotel Room Service by Pitbull
    So if you were wondering how repetitive a club song can be, I’ve already mentioned that for Calle Ocho. And this is somehow less repetitive than that one. Also how many rap type songs did that “hotel motel Holiday Inn” thing? Like any time there’s even a brief mention of a hotel, they just break into that. That’s from forever ago even. Like way back. Even before my time.
  47. Crack A Bottle by Eminem, Dr. Dre, and 50 Cent deposit return on the bottle
    Seems like a bragging song from some big names. Who don’t really necessarily need to do so but sure. A way to just do parties and have a lot of condoms for some reason. And apparently crack bottles into full scale hotels with weird rooms.
  48. If I Were A Boy by Boyonce
    So this starts out like some kind of perfume or cologne ad. And says that she’d be a better man than some men. Also double standards. Meanwhile you ask a lot of guys what they’d do if they were a girl suddenly and they’d be all like “oh I’m gonna fondle my boobs for a while” and that’s pretty true.
  49. Turnin Me On by Keri Hilson and Lil Wayne
    Why is the intro robot begging to not be turned on? Is this song so bad that a robot wishes for death? Or is it begging you to not turn it off? As in this song causes it to feel even less sexual than before, for something that at this point in time likely lacks any type of sexual-type interface? Either way this song I feel is pretty average but not so bad it would kill robo-boners. And then Lil Wayne is on it for some reason.
  50. I Hate This Part by The Pussycat Dolls
    And I hate this song. Okay, not really, but I wanted to make the joke. Still, this group doesn’t exactly sound quite heartfelt in songs like this. It’s very much pop. In one song they want you to loosen up their butts and in the next they’re just being like hey love and stuff. Other bands and such do that too but still.
Okay, part 1 is done, when is part 2? Probably right after this.

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