It's a place all right.

March 16, 2016 (Originally posted on Tumblr)

2009 Ancient Top 50 Song Reviews (2/2)

Well, the second half of this yet another list is here, and it’s also on this website here probably still unless things happened. Well, let us continue.

  1. Gotta Be Somebody by Nickelback
    Hey it’s that band it’s cool to hate or something. Or maybe that’s just for the lead guy. I honestly think it’s mainly average and having a guy that looks like the type of guy who you might not want to hang out with but run into at parties randomly often. So why does this start in space? It’s not like he’s a super heavenly singer or what. And then they start apparently playing so loudly it breaks a historical colosseum. Maybe stop them from doing that.
  2. Please Don’t Leave Me by Pink
    Some kind of relationship issues here. Fight a lot but don’t leave. Sure. Dadadadadadada. Dadadadadadada. Welcome to Tom’s Diner.
  3. Paparazzi by Papa Gaga
    Lady Gaga. Again, yes, this was on the other list but long story short stalker or media or both.
  4. Beautiful by Akon the Acorn and Colby O’Donis and Kardinal Offishall?
    It’s this guy singing about how a girl is beautiful. I think I’m not exactly the demographic for this type of music. Which explains my total ignorance of it pretty much.
  5. Viva La Vida by Coldplay
    He ruled the world once but now he’s just in some kind of band. I guess that happens? I forget if this was in an Apple commercial but probably, it seems like that kind of song. And not in the sense that it’s a random song they picked out of nowhere but just like one with a band that people who are old and have money to afford a lot of Apple products at once may like. Like U2. But these guys aren’t U2 even though I could find demographic overlap.
  6. Right Now (Na Na Na (Katamari)) by Acorn
    I can tell these music videos are getting older because people have a lot of non-iPhone phones and similar. Like a Blackberry. Or that thing you hold sideways because it has a keyboard under it that way. Also this song’s something else I can’t get into.
  7. Call Of Duty by Jordin Sparks
    Oh, wait, wrong one, I meant the other one. Battlefield, yeah. Sorry I keep getting them confused with how they’re made now. Long story short she’s singing about how love is a bat-tle-fi-eld. And then screaming about how LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD with EXTREME BASS DROPS after each line. You know, I don’t know why, but that phrase sounds pretty familiar to me. Oh, right, there’s this decade called the 80s where everything was the 80s. And another song about love being a battlefield happened there. Stuff repeats endlessly.
  8. Sugar by Florida and Wynter
    Okay why are they copying an Eiffel 65 song with the wrong lyrics? For all I know they got away with copying some nursery rhyme songs on the B-sides or whatever. That’s all I can really take away from that.
  9. Miss Independent by Ne “Not Kelly Clarkson” Yo
    As clichéd as the Kelly Clarkson top smash hit named the same is, I’d probably still take that over this R&B-type deal. Instead of a woman talking about independence, it’s this guy talking about how this girl looks. Pretty much the major difference there.
  10. Fireflies by Owl City
    I don’t think I have any other material on this one since last time. Just some random phrase about fireflies and butts that’s not coherent.
  11. New Divide by Linkin Park
    This is in the time of when I consider Linkin Park more of “that Michael Bay Transformers soundtrack band” than “I’m just going to put an AMV of Goku fighting Naruto to this song because it’s on a CD I got once from my older brother who downloads a lot of things on Limewire”. In short, the “Transformers era”. A song that sounds sappy but is too yelling to be sappy so it’s probably just like emo stuff I guess, if that’s the definition of it. Or maybe that’s screamo. I don’t know.
  12. Empire State of Mind by Jay Zs and Alicia Key
    While I did this one on the last list, go figure, a recurring theme now, it’s still pretty much how it is. There’s no surprise to it.
  13. No Surprise by Daughtry
    And there’s no surprise that this is on the chart and is one of the slower songs from the band. That’s all I’ve got.
  14. She Wolf by Shakira
    There’s a she wolf in the closet, and it’s mauling Tom Cruise. One thing about this song is why is the howling in the song so quiet? Like, instead of big strong wolf howls, it’s like tiny puppy yelps. Another thing is that sometimes they’d just randomly play the Spanish version on channels I guess because they want you to learn Spanish. Or English if you know Spanish. If they recorded this song in every language could you learn every language?
  15. Break Up by Mario and Gucci “Luigi” Mane and Sean “Bowser” Garrett
    I think we could get a better rap song from the Mario Brothers themselves. And there was a significant amount of rap from those old cartoons and the live action bits. So if you want proof, go look those up I guess. I didn’t think I could call a rap song tone deaf until this one happened.
  16. Sweet Dreams by Beyonce
    Turn the lights off. I did this one.
  17. Every Girl by Young Money
    You know if all these massive rap groups that all rapped on one song had short concise names like that it’d be easier to get through. The songs themselves are another thing. Long story short they just want have sex with every single girl on the planet ever. And swear a lot apparently because I found the censored version and I think only half of the rap was there.
  18. Fallin’ For You by Colbie Caillat
    I can’t get with this song. I couldn’t stand that song about getting bubbles in your nose or whatever that was about either. Shoving toes in your nose? Maybe? I just remember a few words of it.
  19. Untouched by The Veronicas
    I can’t tell what this song is, is it rap? Rock? Maybe obscure club music? Well it’s certainly something all right and I remember this getting a fair amount of airplay. This song’s all right and all.
  20. If Today Was Your Last Day by Nickelback
    Maybe don’t spend the whole day listening to them then. I don’t know what else. I wasn’t one for sappy songs. I was really never one for Nickelback’s sappy songs.
  21. Throw It In The Bag by Fabolous and The Dream
    Grocery bag. Throw that somewhere. Bruise all the fruit. Yep, it’s a rap song. Maybe about shopping. I’m not sure, but they mention brands, then again they mention brands a lot outside of shopping.
  22. Love Drunk by Boys Like Girls Maybe Depending If They Got Out Of The Phase Where They Talk About Cooties
    This sure is a rock band that sounds like punk but with less punk. Whatever category that is. Pop rock? Sure. And the video is about some nerd in love because that’s original I guess.
  23. I Love College by Asher Roth
    I don’t know if this guy even went to college. I think this would be more accurately titled “I Love Being High And Drunk Off My Ass And Also Technically A Deadbeat But A Cool One At Least”. Which you know not having to do all the school junk sounds nice and all.
  24. FUCK ME by Britney Spears
    She spells bad words with this song. Pretty clear when you see it. Or hear it. If-U-See-kA-my. Get it? She wants all of the sex. All of it. Entirely. Infinite sexing. And of course she knew this going in before anyone made a deal of it because the point is controversy. Someone should just put a song on the radio that’s someone screaming FUCK repeatedly in the background and draw no attention to it and see if anyone figures it out.
  25. Big Green Tractor by Jason Aldean
    But is this green tractor sexy? It must be because his pickup line is about it. His pickup line is also a pickup truck. And I’m pretty sure he’s not trying to slyly refer to his penis because if that turns big and green you have serious problems unless you’re Shrek I guess.
  26. White Horse by Taylor Swift
    Coming at you like a white horse. Are you ready for a perfect storm. Addicteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed. A pretty sappy song. I don’t find those as fun because unlike Dark Horse where I can poke fun at it, I can’t poke so much fun at sappy songs.
  27. Disturbia by Rihanna
    Sure is a Rihanna song, and somehow no relation to the movie Disturbia which came out before it. If there was more links maybe I’d have more material but either way it’s something. They should have maybe used this song as the theme song to the movie by using time machines.
  28. 21 Guns by Green Day
    Well into their American Idiot milestone period era thing I guess. If you can define eras by albums you saw some kind of shift or at least were less of a fan of. I’m one to prefer the earlier works of Green Day than the time where they just hate the government instead of hating everything in general with a sarcastic attitude. I guess. Some kind of slow song.
  29. Turn My Swag On by Soulja Boy Tell Them I Exist
    Apparently he has to turn his swag on manually. Habadaba bed, turn his swag on, took a lick and the mirror said what’s up, yeah, get money. This sure is a rap song. And he’s “singing” like he just woke up, fittingly enough. If his question is why they’re hating on him, it’s probably because his music isn’t that great. Yeah. Probably that. YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
  30. Rockin’-That-Thang-by-The-Dream
    Sing rap R&B that may be toward a girl. Again, I don’t have much to say about something like this.
  31. Chicken Fried by Zac Brown Band
    Huh, a country song with a video that has way too long of an intro. And they play a better short song in the intro. I guess I have a thing for bluegrass or jam sessions or whatever it’s called. But standard country a little less so. Also this song is probably about AMERICA I think.
  32. Diva by Divancé
    The video starts with a dictionary definition of “diva” apparently. Beyoncé herself gives it another definition. A female version of a “hustler”. What is a “hustler”? First off it’s a porn site. Urban Dictionary also lists it as “someone who knows how to get money from others; selling drugs, rolling dice, pimping”. But even more annoying is the backing track, with some random chipmunk saying it’s a diva and random violin noises.
  33. Replay by Iyaz
    Just like a replay, this song was around on more than one list. Still not any better.
  34. Then by Brad Paisley
    And then here’s some more slow country. Something about memories with a girl. Look, I can’t stand some of these songs for more than a few seconds no matter how good they might actually be, just not clicking with me, sorry.
  35. Her Diamonds by Rob Thomas
    Why does this song start out all scary? Like everyone’s encased in icicles and dead and zombies and stuff too in the video. Supposed to be some heartfelt feeling thing toward this lady. But just as spooky as Dreamweaver.
  36. How Do You Sleep? by Jesse McCartney and Ludacris
    I could stand to sleep better. But they seem to be on cars. Don’t be sleeping on cars like that. And then Ludacris is there. It’s a pop song that becomes a “real song” because they add a rapper, somehow a prerequisite around this era.
  37. 123456789 by Britney Spears
    Just one number, 3, but it’s that counting song again. Everybody loves OHHHHHHH. Oh.
  38. Forever by Drake, Kanye West, Lil Wayne, also Eminem
    That rap song again. Yeah, uh, not much other thought here.
  39. One Time by Justin Now He’s Back On These Lists
    This tiny baby is not a gangsta rapper. He’s also not a gangsta rapper today being all stretched out. I can’t do this. And not just a thing where “it’s cool to hate this guy” but no, he’s actually too tiny to listen to here. Like a pitch range I’d have to be a dog to not want to listen to even more or something. I should mention I’m not exactly a fan of little kids. Like I don’t even know how old he is now. Apparently 21. So like most of his career until about now he wasn’t even legal, not even to be an adult, let alone drink. Also for some reason the list links to a behind the scenes thing and I didn’t even wanna watch much of that.
  40. I Run To You by Lady Antebellum Is Not A Part Of The Brain
    I remember an 80s song titled similarly. I don’t remember this one. But it’s pretty country. Probably why I don’t. I kinda don’t tune into those stations purposely.
  41. I Do Not Hook Up by Kelly “Not Ne-Yo” Clarkson
    The real Miss Independent, of course, has at least one song on these lists because that’s persistence. And she doesn’t hook up, she’s doing her thing. Pretty much. That rock and singing she’s known for.
  42. Steam Greenlight by John Legend and Andre 3000
    I realized that if Andre 3000 called himself Andre 3K it’d rhyme more. Maybe he did before but I don’t know. But this guy’s sure ready to go. Whether it’s to leave the party, hook up with this lady (not Kelly Clarkson), or put his game on Steam, very ready to just go. Do something.
  43. People Are Crazy by Billy Currington
    You said it, random guy I don’t remember hearing about. But this sure is country, you can tell by the guitar and the chickens and the way the guy sings.
  44. Whatever It Is by Whatever Band This Is
    Yep. More country. I see a pattern. All the country just settles to the bottom because it’s not exactly popular.
  45. Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson
    This song’s so persistent it was on two lists! Yeah.
  46. Goodbye by Kristinia DeBarge
    So some weird rave party pop version of NANANANANANANANANANANA HEYHEYHEY GOODBYE. Yeah. I have to say I like the original more. And there’s probably better covers of sorts.
  47. Say Hey (I Love You (Hey Hey Hey (Goodbye))) by Michael Franti and Spearhead and Cherine Anderson
    Oh, it’s this song. I think this in some CGI kids movie of some kind. Or at least a trailer. Sure is very upbeat at least. Thought this got more popular. May have been the year before. According to Wikipedia this was written in the bathroom and someone asked him “is it a number 1 or a number 2″. Well it didn’t seem to hit either of those peaks but it got a double platinum.
  48. Pop Champagne by Jim Jonez and Ron Browz and Juelz Santana
    I had a weird though. What if someone pooped champagne? Would that be diarrhea? Like rich people diarrhea? Also this song reminds me of Give Me 20 Dollars. That must be Ron Browz’s autotune or beat patterns of some sort. Also, no wifin’ in the club. And no sex in the champagne room.
  49. Pretty Wings by Maxwell
    Very high pitched guy here. This girl has wings. Probably from Red Bull or something. Not sure. Yeah.
  50. Never Say Never by The Fray
    More like I’d be fine never having to hear these songs again, pretty much. I was never a fan of these guys, or at least the singles. For all I know all their non-single songs were some kind of hardcore metal screaming fest that you could mosh to. But I kinda doubt that.
Finally. It’s over. Oh, wait, there’s 2008. And 2007. And 2006. And then the site kinda just stops keeping track of all that. Huh. Well, could call that part a stopping point. For now. But until then, expect more of these lists to happen. At least three of them apparently.

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