It's a place all right.

March 17, 2016 (Originally posted on Tumblr)

2008 Song List Reviews: Second Bush Edition (1/2)

Now we’re so far back in the list the President changed. Going back this far I expect a lot of anti-government songs. Well, that would be the case if punk rock had any foothold on these charts. But instead it’s probably a bunch of junk. Well here is the list, again, and here we go, again.

  1. Low by Flow Rida and T-Pain
    Good start. That was sarcasm. How do I make text sarcastic? Then again, this isn’t the worst possible song from this year that could take the top spot. It’s just... really played a lot and repetitive. But I mean as far as club songs go, it’s at least decent. Apparently they want apple pants and furry boots.
  2. Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis
    Now here’s a song I can’t stand. More like bleeding ears. It’s so annoying and repetitive. And was played way too much. That’s how it got on my nerves, all of those factors. It goes on too long and is too loud.
  3. No One by Alicia Keys
    Now this isn’t a bad song, was played a lot back in the day but now it’s not bad, yeah. It also sounds like the kind of song where she’d be smashing the instruments as hard as possible to match up with voice power or something. And then the end is weird because it’s all like OH OH OH OH and some other guy’s like HO HO HO HO and this would be the part in the concert where they light the piano on fire and smash it with the keyboard or something.
  4. Lollipop by Lil Wayne and some rapper I haven’t heard of called Static Major?
    Now this is a bad song, was played a lot back in the day but now it’s still bad. Something about licking rappers. L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-Licking them like a lollipop. How many licks to get to the Tootsie Roll in the middle, but then she bites it. That’s not a good thing to do to genitals generally. Do not get oral from an owl.
  5. Apologize by Timbaland and OneRepublic
    This song is why I didn’t like OneRepublic back in the day, all their sappy stuff. Also I don’t know why they needed Timbaland Magoo or whatever his actual name is on this. He just seems to go EH EH EH in the background.
  6. No Air by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown in some duel
    Wow the cellphones in this video are old. And if there’s no air why can we still hear this song? Which isn’t too great by the way.
  7. Love Song by Sara Bareilles
    This is like that Korn song where they were supposed to write a single but instead just swore for a couple minutes straight, but you could actually play this on the radio without replacing all the swears with stupid words. I don’t even think this song has swears unless the album is just somehow just that. She won’t Raichu a love song. As in that picture you’ve seen posted on Facebook and Tumblr and Pinterest for years now.
  8. Love In This Club by Usher and Young Jeezy
    So apparently Usher was abducted by space dance club aliens in this video. Then he does his usual Usher thing. And then there’s a rapper.
  9. With You by Chris Brown
    He needs your boobs. Or is that just a Boo from Mario? I’ll admit, I wasn’t much of a fan of this guy even before he punched Rihanna in the face. It’s the genre, really. But now it’s that and the fact that it’s him.
  10. Forever by Chris “Not Charlie” Brown
    Here’s a song about gum. No, really, this song was made for a Doublemint Gum commercial before it had the words changed and made longer than 30 seconds. It’s kinda like when they have the opening song of an anime get a full version later and it’s maybe just them adding some random guitar solo or something, but nowhere as good.
  11. Sexy Can I by Ray J and Yung Berg
    I would always mishear this one as “sexy cannon”. As in he just attached a cannon to his crotch. And it fires cannonballs, but it’s just kidney stones. He wants to do a lot of stuff to a girl, but at least he’s asking... sorta politely-ish?
  12. Take A Bow by Rihanna
    Rihanna makes a lot of songs. Here’s one about some jerk. The Real Jerk. The jerk who should get out of the house.
  13. Viva La Vida by Coldplay
    He ruled the world once, but that was just on some song chart maybe.
  14. I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry
    Here’s a song about experimenting. She sings really loudly and the backing track is also really loud. That’s how you make a breakout single, make it really loud and about something that’s not entirely “the norm”. I guess. Well it’s one way to do it.
  15. Whatever You Like by TI-Expensive Calculator
    Whatever, I don’t really like this song. Just the parody if anything.
  16. Disturbia by Rihanna
    Disturbingly enough this song was on the last list.
  17. Don’t Stop The Music by Rihanna
    Here’s some kind of club song. Again, Rihanna makes a lot of songs. And this one takes this one line from a Michael Jackson song which is more of a filler line than anything. Mama say and mama saw and something else or something like that. And overall this song is pretty repetitive.
  18. Pocketful of Sunshine by Natasha Bedingfield
    I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine in a bag. A song about base jumping from office buildings with bad greenscreening and jumping into graffiti murals. And this kid looks way too happy about his parents fighting then teleports with his drawing. And then Natasha becomes some lotus Buddhist goddess or something. Uplifting as heck of course. Though of course you can twist the meaning to mean like drugs or a gun or something. But that’s just not being happy.
  19. Kiss Kiss Kiss Kiss Kiss Kiss Kiss Kiss Kiss Piss Kiss Kiss by Chris Brown and T-Pain
    Why do rap songs start off with like radio DJ phone calls sometimes? Like I remember this one called Freak a Leak or something and it was all like YO DJ THIS MY JAM and stuff. Also there’s plenty of reason to dis this. Piss.
  20. Closer by No-Ye
    He wants to have sex with her like an animal. Oh, wait, wrong “Closer”. Maybe it’d be more of a sensual sex? Consensual as well I’d hope. But all in all pretty standard club R&B-type stuff.
  21. Bubbly by Colbie Caillat
    No, not this song. No. This song annoys the heck out of me. Played way too much and it’s about blowing snot bubbles or something.
  22. Touch My Body by Mariah Carey
    A video about this one nerd who I think ended up on 30 Rock maybe and wants to touch Mariah Carey. And of course in this weird situation it’s also gotta be private. If you go posting things on YouTube she’ll copyright the heck out of you or something.
  23. 4 Minutes by Madonna and Justin Timberlake
    Well at least this song’s actually pretty close to 4 minutes though a bit off by a few seconds. Not like Snoop Dogg’s Sixx Minutes which ran for a little under 5. Also Timbaland is there for some reason, I guess because Justin Timberlake is there too. It sounds like a marching band, but they forgot the marching band and has a modern Casio instead. And then they have to escape bad PlayStation graphics that cut people’s faces and limbs off like some cartoon anatanamanomical model. Like if peopIe were really getting like all of their guts ripped out it’d be a lot more violent. Like I think the people they show are like missing a lot of organs anyway, so it’s like a partial ananantominical model of like one or two systems. Also I don’t think this is doing any world-saving. Also if it wasn’t for the random breakdown section it’d be about 3:40-ish so I think that was just tacked on to be more of a namesake.
  24. So What by Pink
    So what, she’s still a rock star. Screw you. She does stuff. I think she still does stuff.
  25. Paralyzer by Finger Eleven
    Apparently this band name isn’t just a dick joke. Though they were once called Rainbow Butt Monkeys apparently. This is a bit of a jam song at least. I don’t mind this.
  26. Clumsy by Fergie
    So for some reason this sounds like someone trying to play Pong wrong while some broken old record gets stuck on the intro. Also the joke is she keeps falling in love so much it’s like she’s a clumsy lover or something. I guess.
  27. I’m Yours by Jason M-Raz
    This reminds me of another song that came before this but I can’t quite put my finger on it. It may have been in a commercial once. Maybe it’s a weird version of the Don’t Worry Be Happy song.
  28. Leavin’ by Jesse McCartney
    Turns out there’s no relation to Paul McCartney, which means I can’t really find anything to like about this song which sounds like some guy trying to sound like a rapper singer while banging a car with an alarm clock. Not that it would have made any difference in opinion, just in how I’d introduce this paragraph.
  29. Dangerous by Kardinal Offishall and Akorn
    I don’t remember this rapper guy but I remember Akon being on this song mostly. See, that’s what happens when you have your guest sing most of the main chorus, they kinda take the front and center. But aside from that, pretty much rap about some girl(s).
  30. Tattoo by Jordin Sparks
    So a song about getting inked. Inked by love. So it’s kinda like when you get one of those heart tattoos with the lover’s name in it. Which just makes it worse when that was more of a fling than anything.
  31. See You Again by Miley Cyrus and not Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Pooth
    They keep using the picture for “new” Miley instead of “old” Miley and that’s kinda weird on the old lists. Anyway this is totally the Disney pop era of her career. So... nothing really spectacular but it exists I guess?
  32. Shake It by Metro Station
    So here’s an indie-seeming teenager-looking band that sings in some voice and plays some type of rock but with more types of instruments than usual. A bit not my thing, by a fair bit actually.
  33. Stop And Stare by OneRepublic
    Again, more reason for why I was not a fan of this band back in the day.
  34. Take You There by Sean Kingston
    Uh oh, old people. Old people are boring. It’s up to some singing guy to make things not old and boring I guess. Well at least he’s pronouncing it as “shorty” and not “shawty”.
  35. Paper Planes by MIA
    So here’s a weird song. First I can hardly tell what she’s saying. Second is that they made the song twice as long just by repeating each line twice. Third is that for like all the gunshot sounds on like the “friendly” versions it’s just replaced with like random noises. Fourth it’s just some weird song about being gangsta but doesn’t sound much like it. I don’t understand this at all.
  36. Hot N Cold by Katy N Perry
    Hot cold yes no in out up down wrong right black white fight make up kiss break up. There, I summarized it again.
  37. Live Your Life by TI-Calculator Joke and Rihanna
    Just this again. Yeah. Sure, it’s there. Still why the heck did they steal the one song off the Internet or something?
  38. Bust It Baby Part 2: The Bust It Strikes Back by Piles and Ne-Ne-Yo-Yo
    Sounds more like “bus it”. Bus it where? Ride the bus? Anyway here’s another rap and sing song that is a song and I don’t really care.
  39. American Boy by Estelle and Kanye West
    Well she can sure sing. And Kanye is here for some reason but still good. You could say that this is a GEM in 2008′s list. Get it? Because it turns out Estelle voices Garnet in that Steven Universe thing that people watch and stuff. And also did the theme song for We Bare Bears, another show I really like. What are cartoons now.
  40. Got Money by Lil Wayne and T-Pain
    We get it, you have money. And we get it, Bush doesn’t care about black people. Kanye told us about that. So then they go to... not exactly rob a bank? Yep, this solves hurricanes. Just throwing money at everyone inside a bank. And this rap song has like nothing really to do with that, it’s just about them having money. Yeah. Lot of mixed signals here.
  41. Our Song by Taylor Swift
    Well it’s not my song. This one’s all right though. Definitely the country side here. I haven’t been much of a fan of Taylor Swift but I don’t know, country seems more like the thing instead of the ANGRY POP YELLING. Which she can also do.
  42. Damaged by Danity Kane
    Her HP has been hit and she needs a medkit or something. That’s really it. Also something about love. Don’t hurt it. No more.
  43. A Milli A Milli A Milli A Milli A Milli A Milli A Milli A Milli A Milli A Milli A Milli A Milli A Milli A Milli A Milli A Milli by Lil Wayne
  44. Sorry by Buckcherry
    It’s almost like they’re apologizing for calling this woman a crazy bitch earlier. Wonderful. Maybe don’t do that in the first place. But sappy songs aren’t exactly what this band does best I think.
  45. Independent by Webbie and Lil’ Phat and Lil’ Boosie but not Lil’ Wayne
    Well he can spell the word “independent”, that’s good. Is this the weird rap version of Miss Independent?
  46. Can’t Believe It by T-Pain and Lil Wayne but not Lil Phat or Lil Boosie
    A song about margarine? And the state of Wiscansin. Yep. Spelled exactly that way in the video. It’s like the 420th state or something.
  47. Like You’ll Never See Me Again by Alicia Keys.
    Extreme sarcasm voice. Extreme sarcasm mouth noise. Well here’s Alicia Keys singing while this guy covered in ketchup is being electrocuted. That’s my take on it.
  48. Teardrops On My Guitar by Taylor Swift
    See this makes sense when she has a guitar. If this was nowadays it’d be Teardrops And Blood On My Ex Murdering Axe or something. But it’s sure a sad country song all right.
  49. When I Grow Up by The Pussycat Dolls
    I would always hear one of the lines as “I wanna have boobies”. Considering women can get those as they grow up, it made sense. Otherwise pretty forgettable I think.
  50. Sensual Seduction by Snoop Dogg
    If you thought he meant Sexual Seduction, you’re half right. The real title of this is Sexual Eruption. This is when Snoop gets funky, and not just from smoking weed every day. That’s not a fog machine in that video. That’s the joke. Also there might be a video of the uncut song that has a lot of hardcore sex in it but I’m not being paid to look up porn here. In fact I’m not even being paid. Or looking up porn. I didn’t even see one of those Go Daddy “uncut” commercials on offer when I was reviewing Super Bowl L’s stuff.
Well, we’re halfway there. No prayers this time. I’ll get through this. And if I get through this, I can get through that. “That” being the rest of the lists after this one. Well, next part is next.

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