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May 7, 2016 (Originally posted on Tumblr)

Angry Birds Movie Soundtrack Review Out Of Nowhere

For whatever reason we’re in the universe where they consider an Angry Birds movie to be a marketable option and are fully going through with it. Of course it’s the same universe where Foodfight exists. I was fiddling through Google Play and I saw the listing of tracks on the album. And I have questions. Questions that can only be answered by yelling at music. The 2007 list is almost finished but I have to do this now. It’s gonna be after the read more divider thing, of course. Because I’m nice. I guess.

So, just a few things, there’s 14 tracks listed on Google Play’s page for the album, the last three are just like original songs or something so I’m not gonna go over those (I checked them briefly and, yeah, I don’t think they belong outside of the movie), but most of it is just licensed. I’m focusing on the licensed tracks and trying to figure out what purpose they’ll serve in the movie. It’s also kinda gonna be like one of those things where I try to figure out what the movie will be from the previews only, I guess. But mainly just observing the songs.
  1. Friends by Blake Shelton
    So, there’s just some country song on here I guess. They made this for it. It’s pretty straightforward, I guess. Just, hey, we’re pals, let’s be pals, let’s do pal things, etc. It’s pretty much the thing you’d throw into a kids movie to make it all happy I guess and remind the kids that country exists in more forms than just bro. And then the video is just like HEY THE BIRD DUDES ARE INSIDE THE STUDIO HOW DID THIS HAPPEN IS THIS REAL LIFE. No, it’s CGI. Or maybe it’s Maybelline. Or Memorex. THIS RATING IS SPONSORED BY AUDOBIBBLE DOT COM WHERE YOU CAN SHOVE BOOKS IN YOUR EARS.
  2. I Will Survive by Demi Lovato
    Oh, hey, it’s that song that people like and is disco. But that version’s too old. The 70s are like a billion years ago. We need someone else to cover it who’s more recent. Like... This person. Who exists. And is recent. I mean, sure, this version’s okay, but I’m not sure why they needed a cover? Just because they don’t want a song that’s too old yet there’s ones later from the 80s? Is one of the characters voiced by her and then they just randomly have some kind of disco contest in the movie because they needed to have space that wasn’t the plot? Are the pigs evil because of the disco contest and they don’t win? Do the pigs twerk too much? As in at all? That could be illegal.
  3. Wonderful Life (Mi Oh My) by Matoma
    Apparently this song started out as “Hell of a Life” or something but of course we can’t have the kids swear in movies because they can just learn that all from Xbox Live. I mean, this song’s actually pretty good. Though I do prefer the “hell” version. Because hell ass damn and such. The clean version sounds a little too clean. Can we get the “dirty” version and without the enraged birds pecking at my eyes? That’d be cool. Let’s hear more from this artist and less about... other things. Yeah. This collection has some good stuff, it really is a mixed bag.
  4. On Top Of The World by Imagine Dragons
    Speaking of good stuff, here’s a song from Imagine Dragons, and one I like. Well, not entirely my favorite ever but it’s on the positive side of what I’ve heard from them. The video is about moons and space and something else. Not birds who are mad at everything.
  5. Explode by Charli XCX
    Since we can’t be teaching the kids to drive cars into bridges and set them on fire, here’s another song with someone who was on that song about it. Also there’s robot sex on top of the version I found at first. What the hell is the Internet. But I was still able to tell this isn’t a great song. Whatever the hell they were trying to accomplish with the weird random robot sex actually made it more listenable than the actual song itself. Your typical pop stuff. Probably also used at the probably pointless disco contest portion of the movie. Or that one bird that’s a bomb just obliterates itself in a shower of blood and gore and all of its guts just land on everything in slow motion and it’s just horribly wonderful how rendered it is. Or maybe there’s just a bunch of Minecraft Creepers because memes.
  6. Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley
    AND THEN THIS HAPPENED. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. ARE THEY THE MEMELORDS OF 2006? DID THIS MOVIE COME OUT IN 2006? YOU KNOW THEY’RE ONLY USING IT FOR THE CAMP VALUE AND THE FACT THAT IT WAS A MEME ONCE AROUND WHEN THIS GAME WAS FIRST CONCEIVED. GOD DAMN IT CORPORATE ATTEMPTS AT TOUCHING BASE WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE YOUNGER THAN THEM. JUST PUT POOCHIE IN THE MOVIE. ADD IN ALL YOUR BASE AND JUST HAVE YTMNDS WITH GIFS ALL OVER. I mean taking the song at face value, it’s... yeah, campy 80s stuff, that’s why they memefied it at some point. Haha, you’re watching some dumb 80s ballad thing, this implies... something maybe. That sure never got old. Seriously if you want to watch the 80s, find the video for Automatic Man, it is so good and it is all of the 80s in one video.
  7. Rock You Like A Hurricane by Scorpions
    Speaking of the 80s, this is also just here. Do they time travel in the movie to the 80s? Also I think they normally associate this song with planes. Like all of Top Gun’s music. Kenny Loggins did every theme song for a while there. Do they have Kenny Loggins become a bird who flies a jet plane that is also a bird? I suppose this song is pretty much essential metal listening, but it’s probably just here because I guess some would call it dad rock. The suits who greenlighted this movie could more call it son rock, though, probably. The joke is that they’re old probably.
  8. Fight by Steve Aoki
    I tried searching this a lot. I only find a song called “Flight” by Steve Aoki. Even if I force it to be “Fight” which makes it post even weirder stuff. I checked and it is supposed to be a different song. Great confusing naming scheme, or maybe it’s supposed to be the antithesis to “Flight” because of the whole “fight or flight” thing. For “Flight”, it’s pretty much just EDM from the sound of it. So I can only guess that “Fight” is just going to be more EDM. I guessed correctly, it turns out, going by the one place I can hear a clip specifically attached to the name, on Google Play. It does seem to be a different song, too. I also guess at some point in the movie they just go to the Ultra Music Festival Live On Twitch and rave for like six hours straight. And these guys in ski masks just start posting GIFs of farting butts.
  9. Wild Thing by Tone-Loc
    And then this song is in here. I guess there’s just a part in the movie where the pigs just twerk their pig anuses for a solid however long this song is, 4 or so minutes. Even though they’re just like pig heads. But all the characters grew bodies for the movie. And the pigs grew butts I guess. Because butts are funny. Nude butts. Twinkie butts like for that Minions thing. I can only assume that at some point during the twerkathon one of the pigs poops out a Twinkie but it’s a Minion that twerks into the camera for a straight minute. I also keep getting this song confused with Funky Cold Medina because they sound incredibly similar.
  10. Sound of da Police by KRS-ONE
    I guess this is in the movie because they couldn’t have FUCK THE POLICE in a kids movie, and Straight Outta Compton already happened. I heard that one was good. So why is this in the movie? Is it because of the man? They just need to put in a rap song or two to connect with the kids? Why they’re memeing hardcore back in track 6? Why no song on here is from any year prior to the 80s? What if they were actually trying to put an anti-corporate and anti-corruption message into the movie? That might be too much credit. It’s probably for when the pigs are arrested for twerking.
  11. Behind Blue Eyes by Limp Bizkit
    And then we get to this, the last specifically licensed track on the soundtrack. Everything after this they made up for the movie. So, they wanted this song on here, but they wanted Limp Bizkit’s version. Because they’re more recent. The Who is too old. Apparently. The 80s is as far back as they’re willing to go. Barely. So to have this song on here, they needed Fred Durst to sing it. Yes this is a song where he sings. It’s... I don’t even know. Look, if you’re going to put Limp Bizkit on your soundtrack, go whole hog and put Rollin’ and Break Stuff and all that on there, show them you mean business you’re not entirely sure of but you just want to yell. Do it for the nookie and shove that cookie. Do it your way or the highway. Drink the hot dog water.
Okay, so, long story short, while there’s some good stuff, the rest seems like HEY WE NEED TO MAKE A MOVIE SOUNDTRACK WHAT IS THAT OH JUST PUT SONGS THERE AND IT HAS TO BE FOR KIDS TOO. Also like three original songs. There might be more in the movie but they’re not on this album. And I’m not seeing this movie. We got Zootopia. That’s apparently good. I still need to go see that. That will be the movie I see with animals in it this year probably. Unless I wait too long and the DVD takes until next year then I guess no movies. Yes I still use DVDs because my PS3 is the only thing that plays Blu-Ray but honestly I might just watch it on there anyway if I have to rent it because I might as well use the good big monitor. Though renting Blu-Ray is a little more expensive. Anyway if you want to go see movies, see good ones. If this one somehow turns out good and not just like “decent” or “passable” but actually pretty good, I’ll find some way to eat an edible hat if I can find where you get those.

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