It's a place all right.

May 8, 2016 (Originally posted on Tumblr)

2007 Song List Reviews: I Don’t Remember Much Of This Year (1/2)

Well, here we go again, the second-to-last list available on Billboard’s site. This is that list. Some songs happened. I forget what else. I just know I was trying to be done with high school at some stage.

  1. Irreplacable by Beyonce
    To the left to the left to the right to the right take it back now y’all one hop this time right stomp left stomp do the cha cha dance now Charlie Brown like you kick a football that doesn’t exist and you break your back. Oh, I kinda lost it there. Anyway here’s a song where Beyonce tells a guy that he can be replaced because he was a big dumb jerk and she’s kicking him out. And he didn’t own much because it fit in some tiny box.
  2. Umberella by Rihanna and Jay-Z
  3. The Sweet Escape by Gwen Stefani and Akon
    I still think I liked her more in the band No Doubt but her solo career did bring us the “gem” of Hollaback Girl. And then on this song, Akon says WHOO HOO WEEEEEOOOOO. Not too bad here though. I mean, at least this isn’t Hollaback Girl.
  4. Big Girls Don’t Cry by Fergie
    Apparently they still don’t.
  5. Buy U A Drank (Shawty Snappin’) by T-Pain and Yung Joc
    One of the T-Pain classics, where he mispronounces a word but it becomes the spelling. Wiscansin. Where they serve dranks.
  6. Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood
    Did this song predict the modern Taylor Swift? Ripping up cars and stuff because of boyfriends? I did once find this weird Flash game about Taylor Swift getting revenge on exes. On the same site where all the Frozen characters are pregnant and shipped with characters outside of Frozen. And another where Barbie gets revenge on Ken, but it’s more like Barbie is Ken, Kenshiro that is, you can slap his face real fast like ATATATATTATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA and then you pour several glasses of water, set them on a table, have the guy sit down, and then just grab each glass and dump them on him. What is this revenge?
  7. Hey There Delilah by Plain White T’s
    This song annoyed me and is whiny. I once heard this song about “hey there chlamydia” as a parody and that was better somehow. But not much. Now there’s this other song I heard once that was made of entirely burps and farts and it went something like “we wish you a hairy Christmas and a gassy new year” and I haven’t found that yet, if anyone has any insight and isn’t just skimming over the list here I’d be curious about where that even came from. I heard it like on a car ride when I was a kid. Did I somehow dream this song? I mean I was about the right age to appreciate toilet humor fully back then. I somehow just can’t find it on the Internet and the Internet is supposed to know everything.
  8. I Wanna Love You by Akon and Snoop Dogg
    So of course like many songs on these lists the title is different, the real version is called I Wanna F-word You. So you know what they’re really after here. Some type of Sexual Eruption business. Also why does he introduce his label twice? And then there’s Snoop.
  9. Say It Right by Nelly Farturdo
    Okay, fine, her name’s Furtado, not Farturdo, I was making a dumb joke. There, I said the right name. And then Timbaland is here. Making random noises while Nelly (not the rapper) makes frequent pauses in her verses. I guess maybe Timbaland thought that any “dead air” was bad so he’s just trying to fill it by going EH and DOO DOO DOO EH. Just overall a weird song.
  10. Glamorous by Fergie
    G TO THE L TO THE A-M-O-R-O-U-S. Wait, that one comes later. This is the one with IF YOU AIN’T GOT NO MONEY TAKE YOUR BROKE ASS HOME. They could have just made that the whole song but then Fergie talks about rich stuff. Also the phones just keep getting older in these videos. If I went all the way to the 80s we’d see those brick phones probably. That is if everything had videos that weren’t just all weird in that time. Also I keep thinking she’s about to say she’s reminiscing about the days when she had a mustache.
  11. Don’t Matter by Akon
    This guy’s gonna show up a lot on this list. In this song he talks about how people don’t want to see him with this lady. They seem okay with it in the video though. Kinda weird how that works.
  12. Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne
    HEY HEY YOU YOU GET OFF OF MY CLOUD HEY HEY YOU YOU I THINK YOU NEED A NEW ONE HEY HEY YOU YOU HE WAS A SK8ER BOI. My feelings about this song, summarized incoherently. Maybe.
  13. Makes Me Wonder by Mauve 6
    Maroon 5 is at an airport for some reason. This song sounds funky, but also “funky”. Like, weird flat bass synth clashing loudly with a funk beat with guitars and stuff. And then the guy’s also singing in his usual high pitch. It’s okay I guess. Could be better.
  14. Party Like A Rockstar by Shop Boyz
    Not to be confused with the Pet Shop Boys, these guys just run a generic shop. And are boyzzzzzz. Here, they want to party like Iraq, and also like a rock star. Yep, definitely rap.
  15. Smack That by Acorn M&Ms
    In this video, Akon is apparently an actual convict. And also somehow some kind of secret agent to find someone I guess. But just totally using it as an excuse to hit up a club with Eminem because he’s there and likes butts I guess.
  16. This Is Why I’m Hot by MIMS
    You know, I heard this song a lot back in the day and I still don’t know why he was hot. I just know he doesn’t seem to be as hot these days going by the charts. He’s more describing the symptoms of being “hot”.
  17. It’s Not Over by Daughtry
    One of their more rocking songs, but still one of those slower jams. You can see the potential here to rock even harder. I guess.
  18. The Way I Are by Timbaland and Keri Hilson
    They still need more grammar.
  19. Fergalicious by Fergie Licious
    This song is just one of the stupidest songs ever but I kinda like it for how stupid it is. Kinda like Soulja Boy. Also they count weird like half in Spanish and half in English. And then they get stuck on Fergalicious Def for a minute. And then Will He Is shows up even though this is a solo project and not Black Eyed Peas and spells “tastey” with too many letters like that, but can spell “delicious” just fine. Also if you thought this song couldn’t get worse, I found a MIDI of it that sounds like someone smashing two guitars together while strumming a third with the wreckage that made and sometimes there’s a loud violin. I mean MIDIs aren’t always supposed to be good but this was a notable really bad thing.
  20. Crank That (Soulja Boy) by Soulja Boy (Crank That)
  21. Give It To Me by Timbaland and Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake
    Experience this guy with two artists who he’d just end up sticking with for like forever. Justin still collaborates with Timbaland to this day I think. Something about suits and ties. This starts out with like some weird stuff where they don’t know what is going. And then it’s kinda structured like a rap song of some kind but is more of a singing song.
  22. What Goes Around... Comes Around... Around... Again... A Lot... by Justin Timberlake
    For some reason this video is really long. And the song is two songs. Justin Timberlake sure had a solo career. And still has. Even though it’s not entirely solo because Timbaland has been there this whole time. Maybe it’s kind of a band just named after the one guy. They could have gone with Justin Timbaland.
  23. Cupid’s Chokehold, also Breakfast In America by Gym Class Heroes and Patrick Stump
    BA BA DA DA. BA BA DA DA. BA BA DA DA. BA BA DA DA. BA BA DA DA. BA BA DA DA. BA BA DA DA. BA BA DA DA. BA BA DA DA. It’s Breakfast In America in a more upbeat chord with that layered on top and just keeps becoming a rap sorta even though the guy sings still. It’s a weird take on an old song. Supertramp made so many songs.
  24. How To Save A Life by The Fray
    Step 1 find a better song that’s more upbeat. Step 2 I don’t really like the songs from these guys. Step 3 I thought this song reminded me of Jeremy because they were in a classroom or something but that may have been another video.
  25. Home by Daughtry
    A slow sort of sappy song about going home. Again, could have rocked harder, didn’t. I don’t know why I keep going on this topic. Maybe because I just like thinking of less sappy songs.
  26. My Love by Justin Timberlake and Texas Instruments the Rapper
    This sure is a hot track, but it’s somehow not one of my favorites either. It’s all right but not among what I’d call the best ever. Also they call him “candle guy” so I guess I’m supposed to make a joke that gets cut off in the mi
  27. Stronger by Kanye West
    You know that song that Daft Punk did that is pretty cool? What if a rapper did it? Kanye West did. And as we all know, HE RAPS. This doesn’t really add anything to the song. It’s pretty much Kanye rapping over a Daft Punk song.
  28. We Fly High by Jim Jones
    No lie, you know it’s BALLIN. I don’t remember anything but that line. That’s how mostly insignificant the song is to me. Just that one line stands out. Just because you can yell BALLIN in people’s faces.
  29. U + UR Hand by Pink
    All about this type of dude who’s gonna try to hit on anyone with boobs in the club, but is not exactly a ladies’ man, and the ladies don’t want that kinda man, so he’s gonna have to settle for Rosie Palms and her five sisters. Maybe play some tug-of-war with Cyclops. Struggle with Henry Longfellow. Launch a red rocket. Make that banana in the pocket happy. Encounter a spooky ghost and its ectoplasm. Salute the helmeted general. He’s gonna have to stroke his penis with his hand and masturbate is the point I’m making. I had to look some of these up.
  30. Walk It Out by Unk
    What kind of a name is Unk? An acronym? Also this sounds like he’s just saying “wakidow” 50 times. Rap was played a whole lot on MTV back when I had satellite and I bet it is even more so now, excluding the 99% of the time it’s just random reality shows and they only put music videos on late so nobody sees them.
  31. Beautiful Girls by Sean Kingston
    This is that song where all these pretty women make him want to die. That’s not a reason to die, though. At the very least for that you just have you and your hand. I never liked this song.
  32. This Ain’t A Scene, It’s An Arms Race by Fall Out B Oy
    This ain’t the sea, because I got that arseface. I’m a maiden man, I’m also evil, also into cats. Yes, I can’t tell what they’re saying when I hear the song. And if I find the lyrics I still have no idea what it’s really about. Probably the ramblings of college students or something.
  33. Bartender by T-Pain and Akon
    T-Pain asks the bartender for a drank, and Akon is there also. I think I like when Lady Antebellum did this song more. By a fair bit, but still not like the best thing ever.
  34. Pop, Lock, & Drop It by Huey
    After Huey Lewis and the News, he became a completely different person and was also somehow a younger rapper. Of course not, but it’s a bit of an odd rap name. Unk is still a weirder name. Also apparently this guy is Ferris Bueller. Is this an instructional video for twerking? They’re at a school so probably.
  35. Runaway Love by Ludacris and Mary J Blige
    Some kind of collaboration about getting the hell out of a messed up house and everything. From a label called “Disturbing Tha Peace” this sure is a somber song.
  36. Rockstar by Nickelback
    Apparently a lot of people hate this song. Partly because it’s Nickelback. Partly because it’s the song Rockstar from Nickelback. This song’s okay but kinda... just routine I guess? Like that one song about moving fridges and stuff but done with some other people.
  37. Thnks Fr Th Mmrs b Fll t B
    So this is a song about breaking up maybe I guess and there are monkeys in the video. Please don’t correct me on the zoology thing here. Also were they trying to use text talk? Like “thanks” shortens to “THX” and “for” just becomes “4″. That’s easier and saves a few characters, which are in precious short supply back in the ancient days of text messaging.
  38. What I’ve Done by Linkin Park
    Transformers. Michael Bay. THE EDGE. THE EXPLOSIONS. THE EDGEPLOSIONS. This is pretty much the marker of when they went fully Transformers mode. That kind of slow music that yells but not too loudly.
  39. Summer Love by Justin Timberlake
    One of the more repetitively-backed Timberlake songs. And Sexyback exists. I don’t know if Timbaland had anything to do with this as well but given things it’s likely.
  40. You by Lloyd and Lil Wayne
    YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU! No go away Soulja Boy. It’s more of this singing rap stuff that’s in no way aimed toward guys like me. Also I swear at one point he says “so let’s hippopotamus”.
  41. Wait For You by Elliott Yamin
    Is this Baywatch? No it’s just some dude singing stuff. Mumford and Sons did a better version of this kinda. Which is a different song. And something you can slap your knees or blow a bottle to.
  42. Last Night by Diddy and Keyshia Cole
    Or is it P. Diddy? Or Puff Daddy? Or P. Diddle Dangle Dong? I don’t know anymore. But this guy sure kinda raps maybe I guess? He’s more just sometimes singing and maybe just literally talking occasionally on this. Keyshia does a lot more on this track than the apparent lead.
  43. Make It Rain by Fat Joe and Lil Wayne
    I remember Fat Joe doing things. He’d randomly yell out CRACK. Like, is he rapping about his buttcrack? Is he doing crack? Selling it? Selling his buttcrack? This song is no different. All I know is this definitely cemented the term “make it rain” in vernacular. For however long that’ll last. Apparently a fair bit. Got a hand full of stacks, better grab an umberella. A A A A. That back beat rocks that synth trumpet like a skull in Hoenn.
  44. Make Me Better by Fabolous and Ne the Yo
    A rap of sorts about how they’re already the best but can be even better with a lady. Pretty much. A repetitive chorus to top it off and make the title of the song.
  45. Ice Box by Omarion
    A song about a fridge? He turned his heart into a fridge? How is that even convenient? I guess it’s a metaphor for bad relationship stuff. I suppose in a really bad one you might have a whole fridge hurled at your chest. And then probably die. That’s not good. This song’s not great but okay I guess.
  46. Lips Of An Angel by Hinder
    I bet he’s talking about her mouth. Don’t get any ideas. Secret phone call stuff going on and all. Phone sex? Maybe, I don’t know.
  47. Waiting On The World To Change by John Mayer
    Stop waiting, it’s not gonna happen. Or it did already. I don’t know. There’s a lot I don’t know. But I do know I don’t really like this song, kinda annoying to me.
  48. Lost Without U by Robin Thicke
    See I knew at some point this guy didn’t just want to rap about the size of his penis. I thought I had him confused with someone else. Actually I may have but I did remember he did stuff before he wanted to make girls have sex with him a lot in songs. But this really is just more of a general song of hitting on a lady pretty much.
  49. I’m A Flirt by either R. Kelly or Bow Wow and may or may not also involve T-I and T.Pain.
    This is a confusing entry. I think there’s two songs here somehow but they’re kinda the same song? Is this like Pokémon where to catch all the rappers you need to know someone with the other song? Or just get both yourself? I found the R. Kelly one with the other rappers on it. It’s sure a song all right. Then I found the Bow Wow one which also features R. Kelly because why not make this even more confusing? I don’t remember much about Bow Wow except he was once Lil Bow Wow as a kid. This is definitely more of a rap than the other version though.
  50. If Everyone Cared by Nickelback
    Okay, this song I can say I don’t like for sure, it’s pretty whiny and sappy and pretty much they’re just like GUYS YOU SHOULD CARE ABOUT THINGS. MAYBE CARE ABOUT US AND SONGS WE MAKE.
There’s 50 more of these? Of course there are. I’ll get to those later. Soon. I guess.

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