2017 Year End Song List Recap: Partial Hell Edition
This year was up and down and all over the freaking place. Not the best year. Kinda like garbage, but with some good points, so it's like digging through recycling, where you could be in worse trash, but at the same time there's a bunch of sticky soda cans messing things up and probably attracting bugs as well. Same goes for pop music. There was a lot of not great pop music on the charts, sometimes something good. I don't know if music will get better or worse or if I'm just too old for this crap already. At least there's indie stuff or at least less mainstream but still gets radio play. Anyway here's a bunch of songs and I'm going to see if things are better or worse and if standards are maybe lowering or not. Probably somewhere.
- Shape Of You by Ed Shaperan
At least a song that doesn't suck made it up top. Though I've heard this a lot. And it's not my favorite song from him. And he keeps going MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. It almost sounds like a cow. In the video there are a variety of shapes like the one lady and this sumo guy he fights for some reason. It becomes a silly music video out of nowhere, I guess.
- Despacito by Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee and some guy who was on too many songs
Then there's this song. I don't get why people like this song. Okay, maybe a little, but not with that one guy on it, where his factor of being annoying went from being a little kid in general to just some not interesting guy and not really annoying anymore and now he was on way too many songs so he's annoying again. Without him, this song's just okay, but I think I'd still rather look up some better Latin hits. Or even go to those radio stations where they really only play the mariachi music with the tuba.
- That's What I Like by Bruno Mars
Bruno Mars finding his funk skill was a good thing that happened. I'm not sure how much longer he'll be following this path but this one went well. This isn't my favorite song from it, the more bombastic type songs like 24K Magic and even Uptown Funk still I find better.
- Humble. by Kendrick Lamar.
Somehow this guy made a brag rap song work. It's the catchy hook and approach and also not having a million guest rappers to dilute the impact, I guess. It's just this guy. He doesn't need guest rappers to brag.
- Something Just Like This by A Pack A Day and Some Cold Guy
No, I want nothing like this. This is not what I came for. I didn't ask for this. It's the guy from Coldplay but singing over a printer vomiting ink all over itself because printers are hard to use for some reason, even modern ones. Especially modern ones. He hits the lowest possible low note in his register saying the word "old". He should just do the whole song in that note while singing to a broken floppy drive. Maybe that would be better. Long story short I'm not a fan of either band here, one more so than the other, so yeah, not gonna work for me.
- Bad And Booger by Migos and Small Gun Not Horizontal
Here's a song I don't really get. It's rap I guess. But then this guy goes YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA and that's all you really need to know.
- Closer by Smoking Lots Of Cigarettes Gives You Halitosis
No, not closer, farther, get farther, go away. Go back to... last year? Yeah, last year. You can fart on a Casio all day but I don't have to like it. Meanwhile I might be about ready to start attempting songs.
- Body Like A Back Road by Sam Hunt
Here's a bootleg quasi-country version of Welcome To My House. The tune is the same. Welcome to my back road. But also he's comparing some lady to a dirt road. So she's long and dry and filthy? Weird. Drive with your eyes closed and go flying off a cliff, that sure sounds romantic.
- Believer by Believe In Dragons
This song was in a lot of commercials for some reason. Like for the Switch. And the video features boxing. Like ARMS. This song is therefore about the Switch. Also pain. Like it's a pain how hard it is to find sometimes, but at least I've found it more consistently than the SNES Classic, which I've seen in stores exactly once so far.
- Conglaturation by Post Cereal and Quavo
This guy sing raps about congratulating. It's not great. It's a song that's kinda just there.
- Say You Won't Let Go by James Arthur
It's a whiny love song. Not as whiny as some, but he gets up there in pitch. Also acoustic guitar. It's a combination that I don't listen to.
- I'm The One by DJ Khaled and a bunch of other people but mainly a baby
For some reason DJ Khaled made his baby do a bunch of music for him. Which is why the songs contain baby elements. This one has a robot autotune baby noise constantly. Then there's too many people on it. Including some guy who was on every song, same as Despacito. Why was he on every song. He doesn't need to be, doesn't really add much, he just sings about... words I guess. At least this song's in English, mainly.
- Xoxoxooj T-0outr Llliflllfe33333lkjljkdflkjlkjdsgfiohpgiopesg by Tiny Gun Man
The name of this is just keyboard vomit. I was close. The song is sing rap generalness about being on some kind of tour and forgetting words. I forgot how it even went and then didn't want to look it up after I did.
- Mask Off by Future
More like take this off. The future already kinda sucks and we don't need some guy named after the future making dialogue that nobody can hear because he's drunk while eating a bottle of drunk. I put this before looking it up and I was right.
- Unforgettable by Montana Except French and Swae Lee
Apparently not. I don't even know what this is. Yep it's a rap song. Yep I don't really care for this one. All right next thing.
- 24K Magic by Bruno Mars
Everyone's talking about 4K, this guy has 24K. In the vein of Uptown Funk comes this song. I think I prefer Uptown Funk over this but it's another take on his apparent funk sessions. Still would put this higher than a bunch of the songs on this list.
- Stay by Zedd and Alessia Cara
All you have to do is half-ass an EDM and get someone to sing on it and you have a hit. Apparently. With a clock. What is pop anyway.
- Wild Thoughts by DJ Khaled and Rihanna and some rapper
More evidence of the baby making music, as in a baby made this. Rihanna's lyrics go WAWAWAWAWAWA. And then she talks about being nakey nakey naked. I should play Breath of the Wild some more. That's probably where she got the lyrics.
- Black Beatles by Ray Smegmaster and Main Gucci
You're still not related, not by much if anything. This is... yeah, not what I look for. But we can all claim to be related to Kevin Bacon, at least.
- Starboy by The Weekboy and Star Punk
He is the starboy, I'm not sure what gave him the power of one, but he can sing about it. And Daft Punk is there. At least Daft Punk is one of the better ones in techno dance-type stuff, since... a long time ago.
- Location by Khalid (Not DJ Khaled)
This is a pretty chill song, slow jams here. Nice and quiet, a good way to wind down and get with the ladies or something. I don't normally go for slow songs, but that's because a lot of the ones I encounter are all sappy, this is more groovy.
- ATTENTION by Charlie Pooth
I wanna say this guy is starting to find his thing, as a quasi-Timberlake. This doesn't seem like exactly it, but I've heard another song which hits that groove a bit more. To think this guy was wailing about becoming Marvin Gaye but not really with Meghan "About That Ass" Trainor.
- There's Nothin' Holdin' Me Back by Shawnes Mendes
Nothing except BEDDA DANNY GAN, that is. And the snitches getting stitches. This is less bad. It's actually... decent maybe. Though it still sounds like it gets stuck partway with the guitar only being sorta there. Just picture everybody NAKEY NAKEY NAKED.
- Picture That With A Bodak Yellow (Money Moves (And Talks)) by Cardib
She has a very strong emphasis and enunciation of her words, making sure she gets the point across. This is the opposite of mumble rap. The lines are fierce, mainly because you can actually tell what she's saying. She could make a song that's just the part about the bloody shoes.
- Redbone by Childish Gambino
Okay it's Childish Gambino and I'm eating peanut butter chocolate cake with Kool-Aid in a parked car. I saw Get Out. It got pretty crazy. Apparently it's about the fear of cheating in relationships. Well, the song is, the movie is a bit more complex and hard-hitting. Just have to stay woke because they be creeping. That line is different in the uncut version.
- I Don't Wanna Live Forever (Fifty Shades Darkererer) by Zany and Taylor Swift
Zayn tries to make music about sex without sex. Taylor Swift is there for some reason. Also this is the soundtrack to quasi-porn. WATCH OUT FOR THE SEQUEL'S SEQUEL SOON. I might have to review that soundtrack too.
- It Ain't Me by Kygo and Selena Gomez
This almost sounds like a normal song, but then inevitably, because this is what music was for some reason, it just becomes a broken EDM attempt where Selena Gomez becomes a gargling robot for a while before going back to singing. Getting drunk inside a boat or whatever never sounded less pirate-y.
- iSpy by KYLE IN ALL CAPS and Small Boat On The Ocean
I spy with my tiny baby eye a girl I can prey upon for her insecurities. That's this song. That's it. That's what boy bands do sometimes, at least lyrically. Also they badly put like bootleg Photoshop their heads onto some babies who get surrounded by a bunch of bikini ladies in the video. This is just a giant mess. They should actually go back and read the I Spy books and find all the Waldos or whatever so they can get things right from the source material.
- Issues by Julia Michaels
Oh, I have issues all right. And one of them isn't even related to this song. But one of hers is HABADANEECHA going by how she just forces out 20 words at once. She sounds like she's forcing out every lyric attempting to breathe through a straw. And the backing track is just more of her just making noises, attempting to breathe through a flute.
- Scars To Your Buttfull by Alessia Cara
COVERGIRLS ON CRACK. SHE CRAZY. Next song.
- 1-800-867-5309 by Logic and Alessia Cara and Khalid
I said next song. Oh, this is just another she's on. So the actual phone number for this song is for the National Suicide Hotline, which is 1-800-273-TALK. See how part of it makes a word? That might help spread it instead of just being like "here's some numbers we never say in the song and don't make it a catchy tune so you can spread the word", unlike those numbers you can find on the wall for a good time. Or when you dial 1-900-MIX-A-LOT which is also for kicking some nasty thoughts, but of a very different variety. Long story short, a song about not killing yourself in a year that would unsurprisingly bring about those feelings. I feel it could have been composed a bit better. I feel like a lot of the supposedly "uplifting" songs this year were more on the depressing tone. That doesn't exactly help either. But maybe the point is that when depressed people listen to depressed music to stay that way or help it or I don't really know how the mind works, they listen to those songs? Again, I don't get it. What about that "Choose Life" thing from the 80s? That's not about abortions or not or whatever, it's about not killing yourself. And those people did the jitterbug into your heart. Much catchier, doesn't really mention anything in the song but they had the shirts in the video. There were pins too. Of course there were pins. But anyway, who can relate? WOOOOOO!
- Slow Hands by Niall Horan
Woo. Every time they say "slow hands" they go "woo". WHO CAN RELATE? It's a slow but clunky song that could be the bootleg English version of Despacito, which apparently means "slowly". Not as great here.
- Love On The Brain by Rihanna
Must be love on the.............................................. BRAY. Donkey noises. That's what I hear when I hear this. It's a sorta attempt at whatever this genre is supposed to be but it's so weird I can't remember what it is.
- I Feel It Coming by Some Weekend and Daft Punks
This sounds like someone tried to imitate Michael Jackson but on the Lion King. Like this is the song that plays when they figure out the new king of the pride or whatever. Except back then it would have been from Michael Jackson and maybe a little better.
- Bounce Back by Big Sean
WHEN I HIT THAT ASS IT BOUNCES, ALSO I RECOVER FROM LOSSES THAT I DON'T TYPICALLY HAVE, BUT WHEN I DO, I RECOVER EASILY. ALSO GIANT ASSES. Looks like rap.
- Strip That Down by Laym Piane and Quail
Gonna have you naked in the middle of this song. I can see attempts to become a Timberlake here. And there's a rapper so this is a real song.
- Fake Love by Drake Love
Why is his rap so copyrighted really hardcore? Extremely exclusive to a platform I'm not sure will continue to exist since YouTube kills every other single video platform it can. Like they don't wanna just post a video somewhere else. And nobody else can, it's all some kinda weird cover thing from people who want you to buy their mixtape which is actually a CD and not a tape and was also recorded from a washing machine. Anyway this sounds like someone kicking a can down a piano. Use the drum machine more.
- Don't Care by Moron 5 and KENDRICK LAMAR.
This bootlegs Take Me Home Country Roads kinda. COUNTRY ROAD ROAD ROAD ROADS TAKE ME HOME HOME HOME HOME TO THE PLACE PLACE PLACE PLACE I BELONG LONG LONG LONG. While some baby gets stuck in a piano and becomes the notes. That's all you need to know and Kendrick Lamar is there for some reason. Death Stranding also involves babies but at least it makes more sense than this. Even in the video form.
- Look What I Made Myself Do by Taylor Swift
Oh no, people say things about her because she's a celebrity. Here's a song about that. Also she murdered her old self while becoming her old self. Then she clones herself in the video. I'm not sure what she's trying to do here. I wasn't really a fan of her to begin with, and I don't think this would change that. At least when she did country it was more like music even if it was a bit out of where I listened to, but I guess that was the point of exiting country and entering... whatever the hell this is, to be more present.
- Hill Castle by Ed Sheeran
This sounds like someone jammed together Where The Streets Have No Name and Seven Years, but less terrible. He even forgets half of the lyrics like in Seven Years. But at least some guy doesn't go screaming ED SHEERAN. He mainly just talks about how he and his friends grew up while injecting lots of weed and breaking each others faces.
- Bad Things by Water Gun Kelly and Camilla Caballero
This song is a bad thing, and of course it bootlegs a song by Fastball. The lady hits weird notes and the rapper is just all like "hey I saw 50 Shades once so let's do that". They make the whole thing out to be really bad, like they're ripping each others' bones out or something. I wonder if this one will be ON THE NEW SEQUEL WHICH IS COMING SOON SO GET OUT YOUR WHIPPING WHIPS TO HIT THE BUTTS.
- Paris by People Who Smoke In French Art Films
They go to Paris because they're rich and people like EDM there I guess. I don't know. I don't really care either. Whenever I see the ULTRA music festival thing I wonder why the kids listen to a bunch of EDM and how the people there can do it live when a lot of it might just be prerecorded.
- Side To Side To Side To Side by Ariana Grande and Nickinaj
Here's a lady who sings and a lady who raps. They made a song together. Nicki Minaj also relates tricycles to sex in a weird pun. That's about the best part.
- Rockabye by Clean Bandit and Sean De Paul and Anne Marie
Here's a song somehow. It's sort of EDM but not so blatantly, it sorta fits the actual composition for once. But the lyrics are about some mother trying to not eat her baby by working about 16 jobs. And Sean Paul is there for some reason. His presence made me think this was a weird Sia song for some reason. Like how he's on Cheap Thrills for some reason, but only sometimes. It's like a coin flip which version will play, or maybe certain stations play one instead of the other. I wonder if that correlates between the stations that will include the rap part in Dark Horse versus those that either just cut the song early or put some weird made-up interlude.
- Feel It Still by Portugal Man
I thought this was about a rebel with a kickstand at first. And that a lady was singing it. And that the name was different. Turns out they're just hella indie. That's this song, it's hella indie. Like you'd listen to it because nobody knows who they are. But people do. It's on the radio and it's in the top 50 on this chart.
- Let Me Love You by DJ Snake and that guy who was on everything
Why is he on every song. That's enough. At least DJ Snake is there to go EEEEEHHHHHHHHH EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHH on a piano.
- Sorry Not Sorry by Demi Lovato
She sings about becoming revenge itself while the deepest voice ever goes WAIT A MINUTE. And she's not sorry about any of it. It's a song I guess.
- Bank Account by 21 Savage
HERE IS A RAP ABOUT MONEY. BUY MY ALBUM. IT IS AN ALBUM. OKAY BYE.
- CAN'T STOP THE FEELING! by JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!
It's the song about trolls again. Feel this. This is where you point to your crotch or something. Or flip someone off. It's a song that's a party song.
- Mi Gente by J Balvin and Willy "Willie" William and Beyonce
This song sounds like a goat and a donkey hardcore fucking. While some people try to rap over it. And Beyonce is there. It's like if Despacito was better and also about goat and donkey sex.
- Thunder by Imagine Dragons
The second half of this list starts all right. This sounds kind of like trap but better than a lot of trap I've heard whenever I do apparently hear it. There's even the whole sampled part where he keeps going THUNDER with random pitches applied which sounds funny because it always does, and then there's the part where he just screams.
- T-Shirt by Migos
Just saying, these guys made a rap song which was the theme song for Rap Snacks, specifically their own flavor. It tastes just like them. Which is to say it's just some kinda ranch flavor, apparently. If they had Rap Snacks around my neck of whatever biome this counts as, I would consider taking a look at the chips in general. Anyway I have no idea what this song is except it's about a shirt maybe so let's look it up. Apparently this starts with them going to the mountains, finding some guy, and throwing a fur coat at him that just has money shoved in it because something about a same-color T-shirt. Then it's a rap song. Rap videos can just be weird sometimes.
- Rake It Up by Yo Gotti and Nicki Minaj
Is the video for this going to involve rakes? Yep, and the trees have money that they rake. Of course, how did I call this. Pretty obvious. They're not very good at raking though, they just keep going into twerk mode. See, I've raked before, I could do a quality job. I could even do the twerk thing but that's gonna cost extra. Then Nicki Minaj gets stuck trying to rhyme every word with China, even China itself. During the middle of that part they just randomly have a street race. Why do the videos get bored with Nicki Minaj so easily these days that they either become a YouTube Poop of themselves or just cut to something else? Anyway Mike Will made this one. To some degree.
- Mercy by Shawn Mendes
Begging for MERCY because of all these STITCHES because he's BETTA DANNY GAN. It's just this guy again, I don't know. Not his worst but not his best.
- Tunnel Vision by Kodak Black
Fill my face with that tunnel vision. That's not this song. But he talks about how people want to see him in prison, which keeps happening because apparently he keeps getting caught on all sorts of things. Also the video is pretty much two people, one a stereotypical white supremacist, the other a black man, trying to kill each other until a kid shows up and tells them to stop. I think the message in the video is a lot clearer, somewhat.
- Rockstar by Post Fruity Pebbles and 21 Savage
AND WE ALL JUST WANNA BE BIG ROCKSTARS LIVE IN HILLTOP MANSIONS DRIVING 15 CARS. See, Nickelback has not only more cars, but more cars than would fit in the garage. Therefore that song is somehow better even with the typical utter loathing of Nickelback. Look at that photograph. The radio version is pretty much I've been... I've been... ROCKSTAR. And the video is just a bootleg Kill Bill ripoff because... I don't know. But did you know that Post Consumer Brands not only owns the Pebbles line of cereal, but the knockoff brand as well that comes in the giant bag? That would explain why they somehow managed to make that version taste about as good as the real thing, possibly even exact if they were packaged and marketed similarly. The mind is a weird thing, and so are corporations.
- In Case You Didn't Know by Brett Young
Look, I found the country. Here's country. It's a slow sappy song. That's about it. At least it's not trying to become rap blatantly.
- Heathens by 21 Not Savage Pilots
Here's the song from Suicide Squad, still on here. It sure lasted longer than the movie did. Or at least is longer than the Joker's presence in that movie. From what I hear. It's an all right song. It just got a lot of airplay so I don't wanna hear it all the time. It's like when Christmas music is played non-stop since Thanksgiving, if I listen to it too much before the day itself, it loses its specialness.
- Now And Later by Hasley
It's that kind of EDM type pop with a lot of autotune. I would hear this and want to change the station out of reflex. It's kinda just there, though. Maybe it's about that weird sorta taffy candy.
- Caroline by Anime
CAROLINE SHE'S THE REASON FOR THE WORD (W/B)ITCH. ((W/B)ITCH? Depends on the version.) If only this was that. But this is just something about becoming very violent like a Tarantino film. "Gory" doesn't really rhyme with "movie" but "movie" makes more sense than "story". And then something about a lady I guess. Because of course. It's named after a name.
- Rolex by Ayo and Teo
What the hell is this and why are they talking about the Migos Rap Snacks flavor? Yeah, I don't know. They just sound like a pair of alien twins who would hang around in Jabba the Hutt's mansion house whatever that place is called.
- DNA. by KENDRICK LAMAR.
The reason he's good and you suck is because of DNA somehow. It's like Assassin's Creed. There's like this genetic memory thing and somehow some weird conspiracy happens but nobody really cares about the modern story anymore.
- Juju On That Beat (also known as the TZ Anthem) by Zay Hilfigerrrrrrrr and Zayion McCall
BUZZER ON THE BEE. This isn't that though. This is apparently a "viral dance challenge" which means "upload twerking to something that's like Vine but isn't to make it harder to find the actual video in this mess". Except it wasn't hard. I don't know if this was very successful anyway if it was just made for copying.
- Swang by Rae Swangmurd
Or SWVÑG according to the video. See they can't even spell a word that's made up. This sounds like someone trying to rap drunk through a tuba and then getting kicked in the nads so they get really high pitched. It's also somehow about golf. The golf is more exciting than this.
- Passionfruit by Drakefruit
HANG ON LET ME LOOK THIS UP SOMEWHERE ELSE BECAUSE RAP IS JUST BIZARRELY EXTREMELY COPYRIGHTED FOR SOME REASON. This sounds like a busted trumpet attempting to be in a Casio beat. Then he has to start it again for some reason before he sings on it. Then he plays the one part all slow for some reason because it's creepy I guess.
- LOYALTY. by KENDRICK LAMAR. and RIHANNA.
It starts with a puppy dog! Who's a good doggy? Then it's this weird backwards chipmunk Satan in the backing track while the people sing loyalty loyalty loyalty loyalty loyalty loyalty loyalty loyalty loyalty loyalty loyalty loyalty loyalty. Stop. Loyalty time. And apparently he's called Kung Fu Kenny. At least Rihanna can pronounce "loyalty" correctly. But it is in the DNA, whatever this is.
- Praying by Kesha
Yes, she no longer has the dollar sign. She clearly wants to be taken more seriously here since this isn't obnoxious, except for where she's screaming on top of the violins also screaming. You could probably implode a thing with that. I'm not much for the sappy songs.
- Goosebumps by Travis Scott
LISTENER BEWARE YOU'RE IN FOR A SCARE. BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK. Yeah what is this video. It has skeletons so maximum spoops ahead. Then it's just weird. And Kendrick Lamar is there too. As well as lethal vagina. Like that movie where this lady had monster teeth in her vagina for some reason. But it least it didn't talk, I don't think, I didn't see that movie, but I know about how there's porn where a lady's vagina talks and it happened more than once.
- Cold by Moron 5 and Future 6
I don't know why these all collaborated together but they did for some reason and the result is just kinda there I guess, not much to really say about it.
- Broccoli by DRAM and Small Boat
This song didn't really need the opening from the guest rapper, it's like they had to make this interesting song less so to make it interesting to people who like bored drunk talking. Therefore, Future wanting to be the future of rap and the like. But there's still women twerking next to broccoli in the video. And realistic goals like playing the Genesis or trying stuff on bagels. This song is out there.
- Slide by Calvin Harris and Frank Ocean and Migos
This sounds like a lot of people to be on a song but then again there's things like charity singles or... multiple rap songs. This is some kind of modern beach techno funk? It's not bad. Migos is there for some reason, of course, talking about nachos and gelato. Frank Ocean seems to fit more here.
- What Ifs by Kane Brown and Lauren Alaina
I guess this is country. It's all right country. It'd be more of a duet if the lady's part wasn't just echoing the chorus and random other bits. It's a love song without being overly sappy.
- Chained To The Rhythm by Katy Perry and Skip Marley
DANCE DANCE DANCE WITH NO PANTS DING A DING DONG TO THE BREAK OF DAWN. I should make songs, maybe. It's all about being strapped to dance music of some varying quality. This is average. In the video she goes to a psychotic amusement park about life is hell or something, not really sure. And that's why the eye is in her mouth.
- Feels by Calvin Harris and Pharrell Williams and Katy Perry and Big Sean
Speaking of Katy Perry, here she is again, in a better song, somewhat. It's Pharrell on a techno island kinda funk, and essentially if you have Pharrell on a funky song it'll be at least sorta good, even if the lyrics are really not great like that song about Robin Dick with his tiny penis or whatever the hell that was. It took a Weird Al parody to fix that song. But this isn't that song. It's about feels. Memes, maybe. Or feeling up someone. And then Big Sean is there to rap because rappers have to be in songs. Essentially if you don't have some Canadian from somewhere, you need a rapper. Maybe opt for Drake and score in both.
- All Time Low by Jon Bellowon
This song is weird. There's this demonic guy imitating some robot in the background, and then there's the chorus, and how his voice cracks right before he goes into talking cat mode as they keep hitting the "backing rap grunt" button. Put that video of the cat talking about Oh Long Johnson to some kinda trap beat while Satan possesses a robot and you could pretty much make this.
- Hurricane by Luke Combs
HERE I AM COUNTRY YOU LIKE A HURRICANE. Maybe do that instead. It's some kinda country love song I guess.
- Too Good At Goodbyes by Sam Smith
A song about how he's not good at relationships. It keeps happening. It's very sappy and I swear the chorus gets mashed into TOOGOODAGOOBA at some point. Or maybe that's just me trying to fix something that I'm not sure needs fixing but not a fan of regardless.
- Young Dumb And Broke by Khalid
Part of the chorus starts sounding like a Rob Schneider trailer. DERP DE DERP DE DIDDLY DERP. NYA NYA NYA HIGH SCHOOL KID. RATED PG-13. Out of the songs he has on here I think Location is my pick of the three. This just reminds me of that movie they made with Snoop Dogg and Wiz Khalifa where they instructed you to smoke infinite weed so that the movie was enjoyable.
- Magnoli by Playboi Carti
Yep, this is rap. What. What. OKAY. YEAH. GET IT CRUNK. Not really but I wish.
- Love Galore by SZA and Travis Scott
I don't think the uncut version is called Pussy Galore. It's some kinda song. But the video is them getting covered in butterflies, then murder happens, then some crazy lady is there for some reason. The murder doesn't happen in a trunk, though, so it's not exactly competing with Fall Out Boy and Kanye West.
- Drowning by Booger Hoodie and Kodak Black
Apparently he's drowning in jewelry? Is this like when in Ducktales the duck would dive into gold and not die from it because of special techniques? And his name is just legit Scrooge McDuck and that's not just because of the Christmas special? This just makes me want to see more classical piano songs on the charts instead of whatever this is.
- Starving by Hailee Seinfeld and Grey and Zeddddddddddd
This lady was apparently starving until sex happened. Then because this somehow becomes EDM pop noise again they have her scream it really high pitched as a sample into some other synthesizers.
- Both by Gucci Mane and Drake
How about neither? It's a rap song. Apparently this involves the return of East Atlanta Santa. That rhymes. Is this why he also gets the bag, because the bag is full of presents? Specifically to east Atlanta? Also Drake is there because rap needs a lot of people now.
- What About Us by P!NK
A sappy song that's somehow both about broken promises and being beautiful no matter what they say. That's all I can figure out. It's all the stuff I don't wanna listen to. If this is supposed to be a protest song it sucks as one. You're supposed to get mad at things and break cars or whatever. Fuck the system, don't just make out with it.
- Swallalalalalalala by Jason Derulo and Nicki Minaj and Ty $
Love in a thousand different flavors. They're all women. It's like Soylent, not that weird actual soy thing that actually exists but the so-far fictional one that varies from person to person. Meanwhile he only wants them to have one flavor. It's probably sex, or booze. Or both, so maybe combined somehow.
- Slippery by Migos and Gucci Mane
This rap is about product placement going by the video. Not as blatant as Beats Pill By Dr. Dre And Potions but it's very blatant. It's also about money and women. Probably drugs in there somewhere but I kinda stopped caring.
- Sign Of The Times by Harry "Not Potter" Styles
A song about stop crying because everything sucks and the world is ending or something or it's a relationship problem, also this song is really sappy and wussy. Make better songs that don't make you wanna cry, make ones that make you wanna burn cars and break stores or whatever because fuck the system, don't just have pity sex with it. Ever since One Direction went multiple directions, their music has varied but is generally in the pop lane. Zayn hasn't been properly zany, Styles is going more sappy than stylish, and I'm not sure who the rest are but they're around here and I've heard songs.
- Water Under The Bridge by Adele
Let me down let me down gently nananananana under the breach. That's about all I remember from this one. I could go listen to it and I'd forget most of it afterward. At least Adele did show up again.
- Malibu by Miley Cyrey
Well she seems to have gotten past the "being naked on a chain" thing for this, so it's a pop country-ish sounding song. Honestly not bad. Love without so much lovey-dovey.
- Down by Marian Hill
Starts like a regular song with vocals and piano, but because this is modern pop it becomes some weird remix of itself. Not quite hitting the EDM sludge, though, it holds back and is more of a simple beat approach with weird pitched samples of course. There's sort of a refined take on this, like if Closer is some "cheap" pack of smokes (they're not cheap but I mean relatively) then this would be the kind that's only available in France for like twice as many Euros or francs or whatever they use there, and you have to smoke it with a really long stick with your pinky out while also wearing some hat with fishnet stockings as some kinda visor, whatever that type of hat is called. I don't advocate smoking but I was making a joke about a name here.
- No Promises by Cheat Codes and Demi Lovato
Here's more weird EDM stuff again, because of course. This would be another brand of smokes competing with that one cheaper brand. Promise to not promise. This would break robots, maybe. Also I wish games still had cheats in them, not just where on the PC version you can enter console commands to spawn things in.
- BEDDA DANNY GAN by Shawn Mendes
BEEN A DADDY GAD
META NANNY CAM
BET ON DAN EGAN
BETTA DAN HE CAN
BED A DADDY CAN
- I Get The Bag by Gucci Mane and Migos
While the previous one was a Migos song with Gucci Mane, this is a Gucci Mane song with Migos. Somehow that's not the same. Supposedly. He gets the bag and is better at bag handling than you are. Sunshine is in the bag. It also goes in his pocket so he can have a pocket full of sunshine. The key word here is drugs. Hardcore jail time drugs. But they're rappers so it's okay somehow. Except weed is legal in multiple states at this time. The alternative version is that they're just getting a bag of their favorite Rap Snacks flavors, available in limited markets.
- Small Town Boy by Dustyn Lynch
JUST A SMALL TOWN BOY LIVING IN A LONELY... woy? Here's a country song I guess. That's about it.
- Everyday We Shufflin' (DOOT DE DOOT DE DOOT DE DOOT) by ROFLMFAO
That's not this song, it's actually Everyday We Lit by other people, but it's gotten to a point where I look back at that intentional joke of a group fondly. This isn't the worst, but it's pretty much a rap song about going from broke to rich. Started from the bottom now we lit.
- Havanananana by Camila Cabela and Young Thug
This one is pretty recent and just made it on. It's a pop song, the video has this weird intro where they parody telenovelas and the like, not much else to say here. It's about par but not bad.
- What Lovers Do by Raccoon 5 and SZA
This song consists of a deer running into your face and screaming SAY SAY SAY HAY HAY NAY BAY BAY and then leaving and you just wonder "what the hell was that" and your mind makes up a template of a half-EDM half-pop song to cope. It didn't have much to work with, these things just happen sometimes. Go check out more Daft Punk if you want a more sick remix of life's weird events.
- Do, A Deer, A Female Deer, Re, A Drop Of Golden Sun, Mi, A Name I Call Myself by Blackbear
A rapper tries to remember the musical scales but goes off into complaining about some girl. After So comes La, not Fuck. Fuck isn't a note. Go back to music class.
- Just Don't Look by xXxTentacleXXXPornXXX420 #BlazeIt
I was hoping to not have to listen to this. I've been avoiding it to have it not end up here for metrics reasons by word of looking it up contributing to that factor indirectly. But it just barely got on here, and not even the bottom spot, the next to bottom spot. I started looking it up, and I already don't like the lyrics. This guy only showed up because apparently Drake supposedly did something like what he did once, and I would take Drake manyhandedly over this. Anyway this sounds like crap and is mixed like crap and the video is just a mess that seems like it tries to say something but just feels like he's burning through a brief moment in the spotlight and goes on way too long. I could record a song that's just me flushing a toilet and it would be better. Yoko Ono did. She also makes better songs from just screaming a lot. Let's get Yoko Ono charting because that crazy avant-garde stuff rocks. Let's also get Björk charting so we can bring back more real music. If you wanna see music videos, go look up Björk. There's one where she's in VR but doesn't get it and it's secretly in Unity.
- The Fighter by Keith Urban and Carrie Underwood
I doubt this is worse than the previous, it's just country. Well, supposedly, you'd think going by the artists. This is one of those grasps to stick with "the younger generation" by attempting to become another genre, except there's not really any country left in this instead of a half-assed attempt like (name of song by Florida Georgia Line), so it's less of an attempt and more of something actually different. So as a not country song it's okay. It's a bizarre disco with country singers. Like someone tried to remix it but this is the actual song.
And that's that. I can't say I'm exactly looking forward to next year's music or maybe next year in general but I need things to yell at likewise so who knows what will happen. If we make it to the end of another year, and I'm still able to communicate with the outside world, I'll probably be doing another one of these then. So happy new year, don't fuck it up, and get good music charting across the board.