I’ve thought about how everything would just trend toward getting worse with little to no sign of undoing itself, and there’s a pattern I’ve noticed. When it comes to death, and anything else that happens, it’s pretty much been the same reaction. There are those stages of grief that psychologists bring up, something along the lines of the initial shock, depression, then acceptance, though there’s more stages, I think anger is in between a couple of those. And from what I’ve felt, the anger and depression stages are more of a cycle back and forth. Essentially the feeling of wanting to die versus the feeling of wanting others to die, at an extreme.
I’m trying to catch myself in these locked patterns, for one thing. Once I’m able to exit the loop, I can move on more effectively toward a solution that doesn’t make things worse. Something to at least solve for myself, because at the current position I’m in, I can’t rewrite the world.
It’s a strange approach, instead of thinking everything is going to lead to death, I have to think of it like it is a death, with regards to it’s something that happened instead of something that might. It’s just often a part of my mind dying, and having enough to continue. I still haven’t dropped out of some cycles, though. I still think of the entire human species burning to death, or freezing instead, maybe. But it’s not the whole species I’d be after. There’s just too many to count, afflicted by the mind virus, no matter the side, but it’s often one of the sides from at least what’s made apparent. The fact that I’m not constantly under fire or stabbing or whatever speaks something against the mindset I might drop into at times. It sounds crazy on writing but it makes sense in my head, because I have a constantly declining sense of reality and what it counts for. For one thing, I’m looking into how demons can be brought into the world, and I’m not entirely sure why.