I have a feeling in my hands like I need to wrap them around someone’s neck and strangle the life out of them. I wonder who else gets this sort of urge but doesn’t tell anyone for fear that they’ll get locked up in a mental prison. I’m certainly not telling anyone in person at least. It feels like a normal thing though recently it’s been more frequent, but also unfortunate that the desire to murder and the act of murder itself are intertwined in the usual societal norms. I’d find it hard to believe that an average person stuck in a suburban zone hasn’t thought about killing a few of their neighbors at least once. I’m sure there’s a way to alleviate this without actually strangling someone, but I haven’t quite nailed exactly what yet.
I also have had these thoughts about vivisection and disassembly. Particularly taking a bastard human subject and seeing how long they can live as I’d start by removing their extremities a bit at a time, before moving to the torso for extracting organs from least to most vital, keeping them conscious by any means necessary, and even putting up mirrors or cameras so they can watch with their eyelids stuck open or removed entirely. It’s disturbing, and I really do not want to carry this sort of thing out. Yet I know exactly the sorts of people I’d want to try this on if I had the highly unlikely opportunity to do so combined with a lab set up for it.
It’s this sort of serial killer mentality that I’ve kind of had this whole time but it’s just resurfacing recently due to a number of factors really. I just hate leap years and how long they are and everything that tends to go wrong in them. I went through all the effort of visiting several nice places earlier this year just to end up with an “average” year in the end. And provided global stability doesn’t totally go to shit next year, I’ll be doing that again for probably a similar result, though likely worse anyway. And I don’t look forward to actual doomsday in 2028 either. But if I make it through the apocalypse then, maybe I’ll have lost my mind enough to try out some of this serial killer nonsense on whoever’s left, if I hadn’t already done so prior. For now, I’ll at least try to not become a mass murderer anywhere outside of video games, even if that is the American way. I could really make do with some more murder simulator type games.