HEY YOU!

Help us defend against DATA VAMPIRES TODAY!

All we need is your entire money! Apply below!

"Miracle NEW FREE METHOD Totally Guarantees 100000+ Totally SECRET Secrets To Get Popular Online And Fulfill Destiny"

NEW SPECIAL OFFER!

For the allegedly low price of ${ARBITRARY_PRICE}

You can...

GIVE US MONEY!

And as a bonus...

Look like a fool to everyone who doesn't pay!

But YOU get to have slightly less ads and special verificational cryptopornographical privileges like:

Laughing at other people
Slightly preferential treatment
Regret
Regret
Regret

ORDER NOW!

$$$ Original Offer Still Valid, See Below $$$

HEY YOU!

How would you like to become POPULAR on the INTERNET???

From Mr. Internet, to Unknown, Unknown

Here is a secret opportunity THEY don't want you to know!*

* actually they really want to tell you but act like they don't

For the LOW LOW PRICE of...

your time and sanity*

* plus shipping and handling and the lives of others

YOU CAN BE INTERNET POPULAR!

(not a real book but could easily be one)

Here's how this CUTTING-EDGE system works:

1. Get on social media

2. Buy followers

3. Be a big stupid jerk

4. Somehow still get sponsorship deals

5. Also be a rich jerk so you can complain about poor people

6. Get other people banned who disagree with you

BUT DON'T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT!

"Why did they change this website again? I'm leaving forever."

- Someone, probably

"How can I dump more gasoline on this trash fire?"

- Glorious leader and CEO of every social media

"Click here for hot nudes! I'm hot and waiting for you. Enter your free credit account!"

- The majority of users

"I couldn't stay away, so what's trending?"

- Same person as before

JOIN UP NOW!

Just send in your IP address, background checks, credit cards, human resource ID tags, phone numbers, pager numbers, citizen relocation codes, anything personal!

AND THAT'S NOT ALL!

You can have MULTIPLE social media accounts!

Now you can talk to yourself and tell yourself how great you are and how terrible other people are!*

* may result in a ban if you break too many arbitrary rules, including ones that weren't there before

SIGN UP TODAY AND RECEIVE

WITH YOUR LIFETIME* MEMBERSHIP

* or until you get banned or the very unlikely chance you manually close your account completely instead of just hiding it

PAIN

REGRET

AN EARLY GRAVE*

* early grave not guaranteed to be an actual grave and may just be a ditch on an abandoned highway

And if you ACT NOW you can also get:

COMPLETE EXASPERATION AT USING THE INTERNET

TEMPORAL CONFUSION

INABILITY TO FIND BASIC FEATURES

ACTUAL FOLLOWERS*

* supplies and people limited in amount and patience

BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!

JOIN TODAY!

Social media absolves all responsibility for your well-being and won't prevent stalkers from making multiple accounts or respond to your reports ever. Your account may be terminated for no reason if you're unpopular or don't follow enough celebrities. You may be terminated by followers of anyone who writes incriminating logs about your account or for incorrect use of hashtags with dedicated users. Accounts and/or account holders are expected to follow all rules as soon as and before they are made, no matter how long they're actually enforced, or if rules that don't exist are enforced, at risk of life and liberty for failure to comply. Overuse of social media may or may not result in the complete destruction and extinction of one, several, or all life forms on one or more planets. Additional side effects include excessive oral diarrhea, blunt force trauma inflicted from writing surfaces, explosive cranial perforation, unwarranted mortal statistic inflation, purposely accidental termination through lack of consideration, general population reduction, frequent armed force visits, illegal account acquisition, falsified evidence planting, true evidence excavation, severing of one or more internal organs, sale of said organs on underground marketplaces, excessive fine print formatting, running out of things to put here, stop reading this, and general decrease in quality of life.

Actual disclaimer: At this time, as far as I know, I'm not sure if I still even have a profile on Twitter, though it was under @SonicKitsune either way. I have long since abandoned it since February 2020, and until the API cost a quintillion dollars to use, I had a third-party RSS feed reader attached to it to post site updates. Now it's a totally dead account and it's up to them to delete it when they bleed enough money to need to sell off old servers. I certainly can't be arsed to try logging back in to that mess to do it myself.

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